Each day seemed worse than the one prior; I had nothing left within me.
In a journal, I had written: "I find myself in crisis. False accusations. Lies. Pain abounds. My heart bleeds. I feel like a walking wound; seeping, hemorrhaging, about to cave. I maintain a facade; people think I am 'okay' but, I am not."
However, I had one promise from God that I clung to; it was, at times, the only thing that kept me going; a promise the Lord had given to me nearly a year prior.
Genesis 50:20: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good."
I couldn't comprehend at the time the significance of that verse, but now, looking back, I see with utmost clarity that God was orchestrating a beautiful story.
My story of success is because of hardship. I truly doubt that my heart would be where it is today if it had not been for the avalanche of pain that came upon my soul two years ago. It was that pain that taught me the frailty of life, how quickly life can change for the worse, and how desperate the enemy is to destroy us; telling me, sometimes daily, to end my life. The lies were innumerable, insurmountable, and I walked a fine line of faith and fear.
I look back on the long days and nights, marveling at how far I've come, not in my own strength, but carried by the grace of God. A favorite song of mine, Never Once, states "Carried by His constant grace, held within His perfect peace; never once did we ever walk alone." And this, this is true.
He has walked with me every inch of this journey, and I see, oh how I see so clearly the favor of God in this story and progression in my walk of faith as I became an RN.
Taking the NCLEX was by far the scariest test to date. I originally had it scheduled out at a further date, but it lately had become abundantly clear to me that I was ready. Couple that with some events in my life, and I knew what I had to do; reschedule. I looked on a Wednesday to see if I could get in sooner, and lo and behold, there was an open slot for Thursday, June 16th. I took a walk, prayed about it, and felt, with certainty that I should seize this opportunity, and I did.
When I arrived at the testing center, I was palmar fingerprinted, had my photo taken, locked my keys in a locker, demonstrated that my pockets were empty, fingerprinted again, and was escorted into the testing room. Seated in a cubicle, a camera above my head, I began the tutorial. It gave me some practice questions so that I'd be familiar with the layout of the exam.
I was asked to place the months in alphabetical order and that's when it really hit me: I had forgotten the alphabet, I was so nervous. I couldn't get beyond the letter D. Ha!
But sure enough, I completed the tutorial and began. My first question was a select all that apply, and from there were a series of questions that made absolutely no sense to me, nor could all the studying in the world have prepped me for this exam. It was a series of guessing, and as the questions went on, I seriously had no clue as to what the answer could be for any of them.
I will admit though, despite the nervousness, there also was a calm; yes, I recognized that I could reach the 265 question limit, and even though it felt at times like I was taking the wrong exam, and had in fact never gone to nursing school, I persevered on.
And then the exam shut off. My fate was sealed.
Forty-eight agonizing hours of waiting, praying, fearing I had failed, and even trying the Pearson Vue trick, which, while faulty, has apparently demonstrated success to people in the past.
It told me that I failed.
Saturday morning, at work, right before my results were available, all the computers in the facility went down. There was no internet access, so, with trembling hands, I entered my information in to my phone on Pearson Vue to discover my fate.
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| That's sparking cider, in case you're wondering. |
At long last, I am a registered nurse.
So what's next? I have two job interviews this week, a standing job offer at the facility I work at, and a third interview in the works. I don't know where I'll land, but I'm trusting in the God who does.
If you believe that God has called you into something, even if it sounds or looks totally crazy, trust.
Trust that you serve a good, good Father who will never mislead you, and know that He has a perfect, beautiful, and amazing plan. Even when life gets chaotic, confusing and downright painful, He is there. His plans are for your good, and He will carry you through.
A leap of faith is terrifying, believe me, I've lived it. But when you hear His voice, you'll know. All you need to do is obey, even if it "looks" impossible.
But keep in mind that once He has spoken, He won't show you the next step until you've taken the first.
He is faithful.
Prepare for a wild ride :)
