Psychosis (Aka: Semester One, Week One)

I have waited two and a half years to begin nursing school. To me, nursing school is more than just a career; it is a calling from God.

I have completed my first week; only fourteen more to go before I've completed semester one out of four.

This last week has been difficult; I've left my hometown of 5,000 people and traded it in for a city of over 109,000.

I have left behind the familiar and traded it in for the unfamiliar. It seemed like a fantastic idea months ago, but my very first day here, I heard the words whispered from the enemy: 1) You've made a huge mistake. 2) You're going to fail.

Geeze.

I'm lonely. I know almost no one. I am anonymous. No one cares about my comings and goings, which is good...and bad. I have no one to talk to. I do have a few acquaintances in my nursing class, but it would feel at this moment that very few people care about me.

Key word: Feel.

I have a friend who lives about 10 minutes away from me, and I thought for sure he'd be like "Hey! You're new in the area, how's it going?" But he didn't. Thanks. Pretty sure if one of my friends moved to my town, I'd at least pretend like I care and check in with them. *cynical*

I study a lot. Read. Write. Talk to myself.

I took a drive Monday night, and the memory of an ex-boyfriend came to me, coupled with the fears and anxieties previously mentioned. So there I was, driving on the highway, crying. It was very unflattering, and I truly feel sad for anyone who drove by me and wondered what in the devil was wrong with the crying psycho on the highway.

Classes are good. We began pharmacology today, and it was fascinating. I cannot wait until I begin my clinical rotations, interact with patients, become what I have dreamed of becoming for years. God has provided everything that I have needed and prayed for, so I really can't comprehend this inner sadness.

I look at this time of extreme loneliness as an opportunity to spend more time with God. I talk to Him a lot as it is, but these days, my communication with Him is frequent. And He's answering my prayers.

I'm settling in okay. I've come to the point in my adjustment period where my new home is feeling comfortable. It'll just take time.

My old hurts, memories, struggles will ebb and flow. Here, I am a new person, not defined by who I was, what I did or didn't do, what rumors were started. I am Sarah, Nursing Student, completely devoid of pain and struggle (or so I pretend). I am happy, go-lucky, optimistic, kind, caring, and excited.

My desire is to continually point people to Christ. May I be used by Him during this journey.

" Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."