Semester Three, Week Five

I had a better outlook on life this week.

For one, my test score for pharmacology was adjusted, so I passed. Barely now, but I passed.

Pre-adjustment, I met with my instructor who asked me what happened, because I "bombed" the exam. and not only that, I was the only one who failed.

I had a lot of company over this week, and it was fun, but exhausting.

Another exam in psych came and went. I passed, with a B. It's okay; class average was 78% (a C), so whatever I can take grade wise, I will grasp.

Somehow, I adjusted to clinicals, and while I don't feel totally safe on my locked unit, I feel semi-comfortable. There are so many mentally ill clients, and at the block party held for said clients, my heart broke a little. Watching these individuals who are held captive by their illness getting food, shuffling, some looking semi out of it, others looking trapped, scared, miserable. Granted, there were still some clients who had the time of their life at this party, but my heart hurt knowing that there were so many individuals present who are locked in their minds.

I've connected with one client, and most of the time they seem so "normal" that I forget that they are hospitalized, that they have a documented mental illness, that they have a long battle ahead of them. What separates "us" from "them"? What happens in their minds?

I had a glimpse today of my future. (Or at least what I want my future to look like.)

I was at work and was encouraged to go to the ER on a trauma alert.

I asked the attending physician if he felt comfortable with me observing. Waiting for the ambulance to arrive, the old feelings of years past resurfaced; the nervous anticipation, the sheer thrill of being present in an ER; a time of reflection of how far I've come in the years since I was a baby EMT with no experience and a false confidence in an effort to make an impact.

The patient presented; I observed. Generalized trauma from an accident. Observing EMS, the physician and nurses once more confirmed: this is what I want. This is who I want to be.

The thrill of being in nursing school *this close* to obtaining my dreams, being in this field that has truly changed my life, reflecting on personal growth, taking in the sights, and sounds.

Nursing is my dream, my goal. I am honored to be called to this profession, honored to serve and treat people.

Praying for progress.