I've had a most magnificent week, really. It's times like this that make you wonder how life could get any better, but also, if you're a pessimist with a history of things going bad-wrong real quick, wondering what's next, what's ahead, what could go wrong.
But, let's focus on the positive, mmmkay?
I spent 1.5 fabulous days with my preceptor, day one in the ICU, day two in what is known as short stay and procedural, meaning overflow med-surg patients and post-op from stents and pacemakers.
The ICU was incredible, as always. So much happening, so many critically ill patients. I think I want to one day get certified as a critical care nurse.
But anyway, I finally felt brave enough to suction a ventilated patient, and did so. I enjoyed it oh so much, and that probably qualifies me for the looney bin. I love medicine. I love this field. Some days, (most days) I catch myself and wonder how on earth all of this possibly happened, how I could be so incredibly blessed.
One patient referred to me as malak, which is Arabic for angel. Ahh. Angel. :)
Day two was also great; we were on a step down unit, and my preceptor gave me four patients to manage on my own, and while a bit bumpy, I really felt like yeah, I can do this. I can easily be a medical-surgical nurse, though that is not my dream, I could do that for a time. I enjoy assessing, giving meds, calling the shots, giving shots, starting IV's, setting up the pump. It feels....right. I'm certainly more and more comfortable at the bed side.
Last week I was notified that I had been nominated by my nursing faculty for an academic excellence award. Not only was I notified, but I won. I have never one anything in my life, and downplayed the award reasoning that it was either an error or something everyone gets. When I mentioned it to a faculty member, she squealed in delight and told me the vote was unanimous; the nursing faculty at my school nominated me because to them, I am excellence, I am what nursing looks like.
This was certainly one of the most amazing, humbling, awe-inspiring, giving praise to God moments in my entire life. Anyone looking back on my story can see how far the Lord has brought me, and what He can and will do with a life that is completely surrendered to Him.
So, Thursday, I cut out of clinicals early to attend my award ceremony. I initially wasn't going to go, but my preceptor heartily encouraged me to do so, and I did, and I am so thankful that I was in attendance. The speech my instructor gave to the audience about me was beautiful. I kept thinking how I don't deserve this, how this award is merely because of Christ in me, and to be honest, it so isn't about me. And that is fine by me.
After all was said and done, I needed to take a walk and be by myself. With all the fan fair, I found myself being distinctly disappointed, and needed some time to figure out why. The answer was simple; while the victory was great, I had no one close to share it with. My family was unable to attend, one friend attended the ceremony, but had to leave shortly afterwards, and in the quiet, I realized, I'm super, duper alone. It would be so incredibly nice to have someone take me out to dinner and celebrate this accomplishment, help me feel like I matter. I know, this isn't about me, and I shouldn't be so self-centered, but as it so often goes, the desire of my heart is to have someone to partner with, especially as I've gone through this unbelievable journey. Its been such a time of learning to be alone, savoring victory, and learning defeat. Sometimes I'm just so tired of going at it alone. One may argue: You have friends, family, co-workers, and it is true, altogether so very true, but none of them can fill that gap in my life that a companion could fill. Again, sorry to make it personal, but here it is, guts and all.
Guess there are some prayers that just don't get answered, no matter how many times its prayed.
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