Semester Two, Week Thirteen

Another week complete.

Phew.

Learned about heart defects this week in the pediatric patient.

We also discussed end of life care in a child, which was plain awful, especially in light that a young man from my hometown had killed himself that very day.

A dark week indeed.

I try to find hope in the midst of sorrow, but suicide gets to me. Kids shouldn't kill themselves. It wraps itself around my thoughts, my heart. I grieve for the loss of a life, and wish the clock could be turned back; I wish his life had been saved. I have trouble concentrating, knowing that many are hurting and there is nothing that I can do to help.

I remember when it felt like my world was ending. In comparison to others very real struggles, mine now seems but a dent on the surface.

I remember telling a handful of people, those I trusted what was going on, explaining the darkness of my soul, the hopelessness, the fear, the hurt.

I've learned that in crisis there are those who partner alongside you because they want the gruesome details, they want to know the story, and they'll touch base, making sure you're okay, but as time progresses, they stop. Is it because they stop caring? Never cared to begin with?  The calls, the texts, words of encouragement fade, even when you reach out to say "hey, I'm still drowning", you're no longer headline news. You don't matter. I've done this before. I too am guilty.

So, you learn to move on, keep it internal, progress with a smile and pretend like you're doing amazingly well, even if you're caving apart on the inside, screaming for a helping hand.

Granted, there are a few that I will remain indebted to for the years to come; the ones who stuck by your side and saw your tears, frustration, emotion and stood by you. I've learned that no matter how little I perceive a crisis, to that person, it very well may be gut wrenching and world ending, and people need to be comforted, lest they lose that glimmer of hope and end it.

Academically, I am still progressing. The final weeks of the semester are difficult, and for the first time in months, I took the evening off from studying on Monday, and went out. It was so incredibly delightful, there's no way to accurately describe it.

But the next day came sadness, and this week has had a dark cloud over it.

Monday, May 4th, I have to miss a mandatory presentation to my class, and an exam, because I've been subpoenaed to be a witness in the state case against my parents. Sometimes, I look at these stressors, and I thank God that my grades aren't tanking, because how exactly does one concentrate well on what a tetralogy of fallot really is, while being consumed with attorney meetings, impending testimony, planning on what to say, worried you'll botch it and send your parents to prison for something they didn't do...? God's grace. That is all.

OB clinicals begin next week. I just need to get through 48 hours of OB clinicals. As previously stated, this is not a course of study that I fancy, but it's a means to an end, so I am studying as often and as much as I can. It's working.

A young child came in to work today to visit their mother, and while it was evident they had croup, they also mentioned the child has not urinated much in the past 24 hours. My first thoughts? 1) check the fontanel for sunkiness, and 2) how much should she be urinating? Well my friend, the answer is 2 ml/kg/hour.

Nursing school is wonderful.

Semester Two, Week Twelve

"Do I need to write you a doctor's note for fear of success so you don't have to take your finals?"

This is what a doctor friend of mine asked me today, after I lamented about the trials of nursing school, and what if I fail, and what if, what if, what if.......

It's true, I realized. I cannot see myself as a success. When it comes down to it, I can't see myself as an RN. Or having a BSN. Or working in a nursing capacity.

So, hence the fear of success.

But, I've got three weeks left to the semester, then I'll take seven (!!!) credits this summer, work full-time, and start up second year in the fall.

Did I learn anything this week? Sure, I learned about all the various rashes/viruses that cause them in children (except for scarlet fever; that's a bacterial infection.)

I learned about hydrocephalus, both communicating and non-communicating, meningitis, ICP, and medical emergencies in the child. Did you know if a child is unconscious for any period of time, get them to a doctor ASAP, because it doesn't matter if they were out for 30 seconds or 30 minutes; they present differently with brain bleeds and hydrocephalus than adults.

In obstetrics, we covered post-partum hemorrhages. Sounds pretty dicey, if you ask me. In fact, all of child-birth sounds dicey to me. It's a wonder anyone is born alive.

I'm pretty annoyed with myself today. I had a patient pass out on me today, and I never thought to check her pulse. I merely gave her a sternal rub, tried to rouse her, and nothing. It wasn't until after the RN and doctor arrived that I realized how idiotic I was. You think you're advancing, and then....

:(

Semester Two, Week Eleven

During, and after my first OB/Peds exam on Monday, I was positive, positive that I had failed it. I was down in the dumps handing in my failing exam, but knowing that the knowledge wasn't going to magically re-enter my head at any time. I had no idea what it was called when the to-be-born baby settles into the pelvic inlet. I couldn't begin to tell you what the priority nursing diagnosis would be for a kid with RSV. I mean, there were so many things I didn't know, I couldn't even.

So, I waited, having the same pit-in-the-stomach fear that I had when I bombed my clinical calculations test last semester. I couldn't pay attention during lecture, and I was mentally preparing for what it would be like to repeat this semester in the fall. It was just so sad.

I get text message and email notifications when grades are posted (obsessive, I know, but after Med/Surg one, I couldn't take it anymore, checking to see if grades were up every ten seconds). So, there I was in lecture, and we were watching a YouTube video on epidurals, when I got the text "Your grade for OB/Pes Exam 1 has been updated...."

I never checked an exam score so fast. B. A high B. I freaking passed, much to my serious surprise. I don't even know how that was humanely possible. And yes, I keep my phone next to me during lecture. Not to peruse the internet, but to be apprised of serious situations, ie: my score being posted, and me being one step closer to not failing nursing school this round.

So, OB/Peds is just not for me, I've decided. Which is good, should I ever ponder if a career in maternal or child health is for me. It's definitely not. I am struggling in this class, because it is not keeping me engaged, and I find myself spacing out during lecture, frequently. Granted, I've got some personal issues going on, (but really, who doesn't...)

Part of my clinicals this week was assisting in hearing and vision screening, and it is was with some sadness that I realized: I'm old. I remember back in my teenage years, seeing adults such as myself and thinking that they were way up there age. Now, the teachers and aids are in my age group. I don't know; it just made me a bit sad that here I am in my upper twenties and I'm only in school to be a nurse. It made me feel ancient.

One part that really caught my eye was during my time in the health office. A child came in, with a history of diabetes and was clearly hypoglycemic. The health aid's hands were shaking so bad trying to obtain a blood glucose, that I stepped in, and took the blood sugar, which was alarmingly low. I remember that I used to shake quite badly when performing anything medical on patients, but for some reason with the start of nursing school, this has not (yet) happened to me. It's quite nice. Once more, I felt like I accomplished something today. A small intervention, but it's little glimpses of what I want my future to look like that make this seem worth it.

Four more weeks.
:)

Semester Two, Week Ten

Spring break was interesting.

I had my thyroid checked, and now I'm back to being hyperthyroid. Seriously, this thyroid gland of mine has not been under control since last summer.

Also, I mentioned to my doctor that I have intermittent mid-right quadrant abdominal pain. It wasn't that big of a deal to me, as I've been having it since October 2013. But, it was recommended to me that I have an ultrasound, which revealed a "2.8 cm lesion" on my spleen.

It was then recommended that I have a CAT scan. I did, and it revealed absolutely nothing. So, looks like I ingested poisonous oral contrast and IV contrast for naught. My doctor still wants me to see a GI specialist, though.

Sigh.

However, the highlight of my break was getting to see a c-section, a truly amazing, awe-inspiring experience.

It was back to the school grind this week, and I learned a few things, such as pelvis size impacts how easy (or not easy) it is for you to have children. Also, having cystic fibrosis makes it difficult for you to conceive. I learned how to read electronic fetal monitoring. Well, sort of. I can tell you about acceleration and decelerations, but my skill-set thus far is mighty limited.

No clinicals were scheduled for me this week, so I have had all day today to study. It's been great; I feel like I can get ahead. Except for calculating 24 hour fluid volumes and something to do with a physician ordering 1/4 fluids, etc. Why, why must this nonsense be so convoluted and complicated?! Argh.

Additionally, I have decided to take a 6 week online sociology course for my BSN. My gosh, if anyone had told me years ago that I should just do BSN instead of this concurrent program business, I would have listened. Well, maybe not. I used to be quite stubborn in terms of acadamia. Now I'm in concurrent program hell, freaking out about the loans I'll probably (definitely) have to take out, all for the hope that I don't up and fail nursing school.

It's not as bad as I make it sound. It's just work. Hard work.