At long last, I finished med-surg lectures. On the flip side, that means no more medical lectures, and nothing new medically introduced again, until I take the NCLEX. *panic*
My professor stated that we now have everything we need to pass NCLEX. *Life comes to a screeching halt* Whaaaa?! There is no way that I am now lectured enough and prepared for the biggest exam of my life. Time flies, my friend.
I also have successfully completed my 120 hour clinical rotation. It was a long haul, busy days, crazy instructor, high-acuity patients, but in the end, I wound up loving that rotation more than the others, and even came to appreciate everything that came with it. In fact, I'd love to be a part of the health system that I did my rotation at. I was beyond impressed.
Not much was done in the way of studying this past week, but I tried to master burns, musculoskeletal trauma, emergency preparedness, and bioterrorism. Another exam tomorrow, and the week after that, the med-surg final.
Is it crazy to say that sometimes, I will miss nursing school? I don't know who, or how one can miss this insanity, and yet, as the final months dwindle down, and I come to terms that this phase of my life is ending, I recognize, over and over again, how much I love this. My life, my heart, was such a train-wreck when I began this journey, and so much of it has healed since then. It's so nice not being the scared mountain girl anymore, but being so much more confident and prepared to take on the world.
Of course, I was (kindly) reminded today that the confidence will go away for a time one I begin my first job as a new grad. That's life, though; just a series of repeated patterns. Predictable at times, almost. But good. Life is good.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Semester Four, Week Five
Lately, and perhaps more and more, it has struck me that I am very likely going to graduate from my nursing program. (This shocks me. Silly, I know.) I have been feeling rather sentimental this week, realizing that this nursing school life I've grown accustomed to is wrapping up. In a few months time, I will no longer be a student nurse. I (potentially) will be an actual registered nurse. Like how, even though I am *this* close to passing, I'm still doubting myself, too? Some thing never change.
Yet another exam passed by; you can guess my grade. But, passing is passing. More humble bragging from some, and, only one more lecture, and two more exams. Time is flying by...
We had our senior photos taken on Tuesday, and again, felt like a dream. I don't know how I've gotten here. Well, I do know, but the road doesn't seem as hard as I know its been. As I sat for my photo, my photographer said he wishes all students looked as natural as I do. Ha! I looked awful, but felt proud.
Attended a critical care nurses meeting, as part of graduation requirements to attend a professional meeting. I felt like there is a distinct possibility of joining a group one day, and that I have great potential; that I am going to go far in my career. (My turn to humble brag). I could totally be wrong about the bright prospects of my future, but this is what I hope and feel.
Clinicals brought about a wave of difficulty this week; there were a lot of patients dying, or having just received notice that they were terminal. I held hands with a patient who was hours to days away from death. The first thing I noticed, as seems to be what I always notice, (See here) was her manicured, hot pink nails. Death was knocking on her soul, and yet, as I gazed upon her polished finger nails, I imagined what she was like when she was healthy, how she must have been feeling pretty good when she got her nails done. Her gasping for air twisted and turned my heart; in part because the loss of my dog is never far from me, but also for the life that was slipping away, and how hard of a battle she was fighting just to live.
I sat in on a palliative care meeting with another patient, and again, hospice was discussed numerous times. The end of a life is....well, I'm at a loss for words. Life ending is so common, yet faced with it multiple times this week made me realize, once more, the value of life, and joy that it can bring. I sat with a patient, who, after receiving news that their condition was terminal, began to reminisce about the good days, the days of laughter, health, fun, and love. As they talked; I reflected: Will it be like that for me? What will I reflect on? Who will help care for me?
Today, as this was the trend, I encountered an individual who was recently diagnosed with multiple myeloma. Their spouse explained to me that treatment was an option, and a good one at that, but why, why did life have to be so unfair? As they lamented, I focused on what I had learned in school: Multiple myeloma is not curable, and early fatality is altogether frequent. I peer into these people's lives and ache, knowing that they are not yet done living, but cancer, or illness has begun to carve away at their bodies, and it's so often a losing battle, fought valiantly, but not victoriously. At least, not on this side of heaven.
Yet another exam passed by; you can guess my grade. But, passing is passing. More humble bragging from some, and, only one more lecture, and two more exams. Time is flying by...
We had our senior photos taken on Tuesday, and again, felt like a dream. I don't know how I've gotten here. Well, I do know, but the road doesn't seem as hard as I know its been. As I sat for my photo, my photographer said he wishes all students looked as natural as I do. Ha! I looked awful, but felt proud.
Attended a critical care nurses meeting, as part of graduation requirements to attend a professional meeting. I felt like there is a distinct possibility of joining a group one day, and that I have great potential; that I am going to go far in my career. (My turn to humble brag). I could totally be wrong about the bright prospects of my future, but this is what I hope and feel.
Clinicals brought about a wave of difficulty this week; there were a lot of patients dying, or having just received notice that they were terminal. I held hands with a patient who was hours to days away from death. The first thing I noticed, as seems to be what I always notice, (See here) was her manicured, hot pink nails. Death was knocking on her soul, and yet, as I gazed upon her polished finger nails, I imagined what she was like when she was healthy, how she must have been feeling pretty good when she got her nails done. Her gasping for air twisted and turned my heart; in part because the loss of my dog is never far from me, but also for the life that was slipping away, and how hard of a battle she was fighting just to live.
I sat in on a palliative care meeting with another patient, and again, hospice was discussed numerous times. The end of a life is....well, I'm at a loss for words. Life ending is so common, yet faced with it multiple times this week made me realize, once more, the value of life, and joy that it can bring. I sat with a patient, who, after receiving news that their condition was terminal, began to reminisce about the good days, the days of laughter, health, fun, and love. As they talked; I reflected: Will it be like that for me? What will I reflect on? Who will help care for me?
Today, as this was the trend, I encountered an individual who was recently diagnosed with multiple myeloma. Their spouse explained to me that treatment was an option, and a good one at that, but why, why did life have to be so unfair? As they lamented, I focused on what I had learned in school: Multiple myeloma is not curable, and early fatality is altogether frequent. I peer into these people's lives and ache, knowing that they are not yet done living, but cancer, or illness has begun to carve away at their bodies, and it's so often a losing battle, fought valiantly, but not victoriously. At least, not on this side of heaven.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Semester Four, Week Four
What a delight it was to learn about about the kidneys this week, both acute kidney injuries and chronic kidney disease. Additionally, we covered cancer pain and end of life care, and once more, the familiar raw ache of losing my dog came to mind, and I hate it, I really do. I'd give anything to have her back. It eats away at me, daily, and there's this deep ache that penetrates to my core, making it difficult to imagine I'll ever feel whole again.
Another exam transpired; another B. For the first time in my nursing career, I forgot to place an answer on my score sheet, thus bringing down my grade two points ~sigh~ (Is it too late to still blame my thyroid?) Even more annoying is that this question was one that I had to use all my brain power on to arrive at the correct answer, only to have it marked wrong because I forgot to, you know, actually write the answer down. I'm getting a wee bit better at interpreting ABG's, but man, please stop making me interpret if "my" patient is in respiratory or metabolic acidosis or alkalosis.
Studying was not on the top of my list this week, and I feel like I just haven't done enough, yet am struggling to actually commit the time needed to learn all there is to know about the good ol' kidneys. All I know is no urine output = really bad.
Clinicals brought about an exciting time, as I had the opportunity to suction a patient's oral secretions for the first time. (You're thinking, 'wow, suctioning a patient. Now there's a good time.') But I've never had the opportunity, so when it arose, wham, bam, excess saliva be gone! I will admit though, I nearly lost my cookies when a huge glob of mucous entered my suction tip. I was literally dry heaving and had tears pouring down my eyes. Guess among other things, I have found what I cannot tolerate too well; giant mucous blobs. That and poop really turns my stomach inside out.
I watched a thorocentesis, which, again, is something I've wanted to watch for a few years now. It was quite enjoyable, but a new unenjoyable trend in my life is being jealous of the cool, white-coated professionals who identify themselves as doctors. They seem so smart, collected, calm, and assured of their purpose in life. Meanwhile, I stand there in my dorky mismatched school uniform, worried I'm not representing my college very well as I have no school pride, all while feeling small and insignificant.
However, if I ever do find myself in a high position, I hereby promise to remain cool and not act as though I am above the world as most of these residents and interns act like. C'mon people, we're all here for the same reason: love of medicine, right? Right? Anybody?
Speaking of amazing doctors, I about near died yesterday when the most amazingly handsome doctor approached me and actually spoke to me like I was a person. Not only that, he allowed me to partake in placing an NG tube on a patient, and went over the anatomy of the facial region shortly thereafter. He was enough to make me tachycardic and (briefly) hopeful as I planned out our wedding, but, he was soon on his way, and I, as well as one of my classmates swooned over him all day long. Ah. <3
I'm still finding it rather difficult to be present in the moment. I just keep spacing out, or something. Which makes time fly by, as I'm disassociating, or something, and my days all blend into one, with time propelling on by, yet never seeming to go by any faster. (Am I losing my mind, perhaps?)
Two more lectures in med-surg. Four more clinical days. One more Sim lab. It's coming down to the wire, my friend. Somedays, I feel like, yeah, I'm totally going to do this. I am totally going to become a nurse.
Other days, I feel trapped in this zone, where it's two steps forward, and one step back. As I drive 1.5 hours back to my hometown to work, and hang out with my family, I also am able to attend church. My church has been a source of support, even tonight, I received gift cards for gasoline, and that in itself is such a tremendous gift. But on the opposite side of the love is (again) my "ex" (I can't even really rationalize calling him that, but that's another story.)
Said "ex" just doesn't want to talk to me, and that's cool, and so when he did come my way tonight to sit next to a mutual friend, I say hello cause, well, I want no hard feelings. I noticed he's wearing the same shirt every time I see him, but apart from that, as my mind wandered throughout the service, I'm thinking about how everything in my life has changed over the last 1.5 years, and yet, here I am, in the church I grew up in, in the town I grew up in. But, on the flip side, I'm all over the place, attempting to become an RN, and my semblance of normal is so much different than it used to be, and half the time, I'm so focused on academia, that I've forgotten what the other side looks like. Nursing is literally almost all I think about. I'm constantly running through my mind signs and symptoms of this, or that, or thinking about diseases, like Goodpasture's.
To further drive my point home, I'm really bummed that I'm left out of the group of people I used to have all because I didn't want to keep seeing this dude. Isolation in church is a rough thing. I'd love to share some nursing stories, but my social circle grows smaller, and it largely consists of people in the same boat as me; almost everyone I know these days is involved in medicine. Medicine is all I know anymore; its become my safety net.
Remembering the good old days, wishing for stability, and grateful, so grateful for what God is doing. Cherishing life. There is life outside of medicine, I'm sure.
Another exam transpired; another B. For the first time in my nursing career, I forgot to place an answer on my score sheet, thus bringing down my grade two points ~sigh~ (Is it too late to still blame my thyroid?) Even more annoying is that this question was one that I had to use all my brain power on to arrive at the correct answer, only to have it marked wrong because I forgot to, you know, actually write the answer down. I'm getting a wee bit better at interpreting ABG's, but man, please stop making me interpret if "my" patient is in respiratory or metabolic acidosis or alkalosis.
Studying was not on the top of my list this week, and I feel like I just haven't done enough, yet am struggling to actually commit the time needed to learn all there is to know about the good ol' kidneys. All I know is no urine output = really bad.
Clinicals brought about an exciting time, as I had the opportunity to suction a patient's oral secretions for the first time. (You're thinking, 'wow, suctioning a patient. Now there's a good time.') But I've never had the opportunity, so when it arose, wham, bam, excess saliva be gone! I will admit though, I nearly lost my cookies when a huge glob of mucous entered my suction tip. I was literally dry heaving and had tears pouring down my eyes. Guess among other things, I have found what I cannot tolerate too well; giant mucous blobs. That and poop really turns my stomach inside out.
I watched a thorocentesis, which, again, is something I've wanted to watch for a few years now. It was quite enjoyable, but a new unenjoyable trend in my life is being jealous of the cool, white-coated professionals who identify themselves as doctors. They seem so smart, collected, calm, and assured of their purpose in life. Meanwhile, I stand there in my dorky mismatched school uniform, worried I'm not representing my college very well as I have no school pride, all while feeling small and insignificant.
However, if I ever do find myself in a high position, I hereby promise to remain cool and not act as though I am above the world as most of these residents and interns act like. C'mon people, we're all here for the same reason: love of medicine, right? Right? Anybody?
Speaking of amazing doctors, I about near died yesterday when the most amazingly handsome doctor approached me and actually spoke to me like I was a person. Not only that, he allowed me to partake in placing an NG tube on a patient, and went over the anatomy of the facial region shortly thereafter. He was enough to make me tachycardic and (briefly) hopeful as I planned out our wedding, but, he was soon on his way, and I, as well as one of my classmates swooned over him all day long. Ah. <3
I'm still finding it rather difficult to be present in the moment. I just keep spacing out, or something. Which makes time fly by, as I'm disassociating, or something, and my days all blend into one, with time propelling on by, yet never seeming to go by any faster. (Am I losing my mind, perhaps?)
Two more lectures in med-surg. Four more clinical days. One more Sim lab. It's coming down to the wire, my friend. Somedays, I feel like, yeah, I'm totally going to do this. I am totally going to become a nurse.
Other days, I feel trapped in this zone, where it's two steps forward, and one step back. As I drive 1.5 hours back to my hometown to work, and hang out with my family, I also am able to attend church. My church has been a source of support, even tonight, I received gift cards for gasoline, and that in itself is such a tremendous gift. But on the opposite side of the love is (again) my "ex" (I can't even really rationalize calling him that, but that's another story.)
Said "ex" just doesn't want to talk to me, and that's cool, and so when he did come my way tonight to sit next to a mutual friend, I say hello cause, well, I want no hard feelings. I noticed he's wearing the same shirt every time I see him, but apart from that, as my mind wandered throughout the service, I'm thinking about how everything in my life has changed over the last 1.5 years, and yet, here I am, in the church I grew up in, in the town I grew up in. But, on the flip side, I'm all over the place, attempting to become an RN, and my semblance of normal is so much different than it used to be, and half the time, I'm so focused on academia, that I've forgotten what the other side looks like. Nursing is literally almost all I think about. I'm constantly running through my mind signs and symptoms of this, or that, or thinking about diseases, like Goodpasture's.
To further drive my point home, I'm really bummed that I'm left out of the group of people I used to have all because I didn't want to keep seeing this dude. Isolation in church is a rough thing. I'd love to share some nursing stories, but my social circle grows smaller, and it largely consists of people in the same boat as me; almost everyone I know these days is involved in medicine. Medicine is all I know anymore; its become my safety net.
Remembering the good old days, wishing for stability, and grateful, so grateful for what God is doing. Cherishing life. There is life outside of medicine, I'm sure.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Semester Four, Week Three
That could basically be my face for life right now. There's been a lot of "down with life" moments of late; For one, my blasted thyroid is hyper again, meaning a) I feel like crap allllll the time b) I'm fatigued and foggy allllll the time and c) it's affecting my cardiac output, so I'm basically slowly
destroying my heart and other organs. It's way outside normal perameters, and I cannot get it to a good level, despite all the pharmaceutical intervention in the world.
I have a classmate who loves to humble-brag about their grades, and it's making me cray-cray.
I passed my exam this week, a B with the offered extra credit, but dang. I know I could have done better, and it aggravates me greatly to know that. (Can I blame my thyroid and diffuse panic/feeling of constant insanity?) So then, again, imagine said classmate humble-bragging about their academic achievements.
On a personal note, I've realized of late that I'd rather be someone's choice rather than an option. Just sayin'.
Clinicals this week were a trial, and I'm now better prepared for the management of PEG tubes. I also had a patient slap my hands and pinch my face out of frustration. That's correct, slap me and pinch my face. I must be the prime example of nursing professionalism, being that I didn't lose it right then and there. The reason for said abuse was due to trying to examine a tele box, to you know, see their heart rate and oxygen levels. Cause I care, as a student nurse, that my patient is still alive and such.
I worked with a soon to be nurse from a different school who, in an eerie way, reminded me of an ex, so I spent my day staring at him (not in a creepy way, but a "why do you remind me of him" way.)
A few weeks ago, I had an opportunity to be a guest speaker at a nursing school welcome to current and future students. The opportunity arose from me and a classmate seeking free food, and suddenly, we were asked to speak, and answer questions. I've seen a lot of changes in myself since I began this adventure, and I earnestly hope that I get to graduate during the prescribed time (this May). I'm so tired, and thanks to my thyroid, no matter how much sleep I get, I never feel fully rested.
On another note, and again, it has to be thyroid related, otherwise, I have a mental condition happening, I don't feel like I'm in reality very much these days. I constantly feel like I'm dreaming, or on the outside, watching my life transpire. I hear and see myself, but there's a rather disturbing "disconnect" that makes me feel like none of this is actually happening. (Yeah, get me a straight jacket...)
There's another exam tomorrow, and it's hard to believe that the academic insanity starts up all over again; I never get a day off! (Well, I did have a day "off" due to a snow day on Tuesday, but I spent the day studying, so that hardly qualifies.)
I am working my butt off, giving 100%, and am leaving the rest to the Lord. I can do no more and no less, but give it to the One who knows me.
I worked with a soon to be nurse from a different school who, in an eerie way, reminded me of an ex, so I spent my day staring at him (not in a creepy way, but a "why do you remind me of him" way.)
A few weeks ago, I had an opportunity to be a guest speaker at a nursing school welcome to current and future students. The opportunity arose from me and a classmate seeking free food, and suddenly, we were asked to speak, and answer questions. I've seen a lot of changes in myself since I began this adventure, and I earnestly hope that I get to graduate during the prescribed time (this May). I'm so tired, and thanks to my thyroid, no matter how much sleep I get, I never feel fully rested.
On another note, and again, it has to be thyroid related, otherwise, I have a mental condition happening, I don't feel like I'm in reality very much these days. I constantly feel like I'm dreaming, or on the outside, watching my life transpire. I hear and see myself, but there's a rather disturbing "disconnect" that makes me feel like none of this is actually happening. (Yeah, get me a straight jacket...)
There's another exam tomorrow, and it's hard to believe that the academic insanity starts up all over again; I never get a day off! (Well, I did have a day "off" due to a snow day on Tuesday, but I spent the day studying, so that hardly qualifies.)
I am working my butt off, giving 100%, and am leaving the rest to the Lord. I can do no more and no less, but give it to the One who knows me.
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| My clinical view |
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