What a delight it was to learn about about the kidneys this week, both acute kidney injuries and chronic kidney disease. Additionally, we covered cancer pain and end of life care, and once more, the familiar raw ache of losing my dog came to mind, and I hate it, I really do. I'd give anything to have her back. It eats away at me, daily, and there's this deep ache that penetrates to my core, making it difficult to imagine I'll ever feel whole again.
Another exam transpired; another B. For the first time in my nursing career, I forgot to place an answer on my score sheet, thus bringing down my grade two points ~sigh~ (Is it too late to still blame my thyroid?) Even more annoying is that this question was one that I had to use all my brain power on to arrive at the correct answer, only to have it marked wrong because I forgot to, you know, actually write the answer down. I'm getting a wee bit better at interpreting ABG's, but man, please stop making me interpret if "my" patient is in respiratory or metabolic acidosis or alkalosis.
Studying was not on the top of my list this week, and I feel like I just haven't done enough, yet am struggling to actually commit the time needed to learn all there is to know about the good ol' kidneys. All I know is no urine output = really bad.
Clinicals brought about an exciting time, as I had the opportunity to suction a patient's oral secretions for the first time. (You're thinking, 'wow, suctioning a patient. Now there's a good time.') But I've never had the opportunity, so when it arose, wham, bam, excess saliva be gone! I will admit though, I nearly lost my cookies when a huge glob of mucous entered my suction tip. I was literally dry heaving and had tears pouring down my eyes. Guess among other things, I have found what I cannot tolerate too well; giant mucous blobs. That and poop really turns my stomach inside out.
I watched a thorocentesis, which, again, is something I've wanted to watch for a few years now. It was quite enjoyable, but a new unenjoyable trend in my life is being jealous of the cool, white-coated professionals who identify themselves as doctors. They seem so smart, collected, calm, and assured of their purpose in life. Meanwhile, I stand there in my dorky mismatched school uniform, worried I'm not representing my college very well as I have no school pride, all while feeling small and insignificant.
However, if I ever do find myself in a high position, I hereby promise to remain cool and not act as though I am above the world as most of these residents and interns act like. C'mon people, we're all here for the same reason: love of medicine, right? Right? Anybody?
Speaking of amazing doctors, I about near died yesterday when the most amazingly handsome doctor approached me and actually spoke to me like I was a person. Not only that, he allowed me to partake in placing an NG tube on a patient, and went over the anatomy of the facial region shortly thereafter. He was enough to make me tachycardic and (briefly) hopeful as I planned out our wedding, but, he was soon on his way, and I, as well as one of my classmates swooned over him all day long. Ah. <3
I'm still finding it rather difficult to be present in the moment. I just keep spacing out, or something. Which makes time fly by, as I'm disassociating, or something, and my days all blend into one, with time propelling on by, yet never seeming to go by any faster. (Am I losing my mind, perhaps?)
Two more lectures in med-surg. Four more clinical days. One more Sim lab. It's coming down to the wire, my friend. Somedays, I feel like, yeah, I'm totally going to do this. I am totally going to become a nurse.
Other days, I feel trapped in this zone, where it's two steps forward, and one step back. As I drive 1.5 hours back to my hometown to work, and hang out with my family, I also am able to attend church. My church has been a source of support, even tonight, I received gift cards for gasoline, and that in itself is such a tremendous gift. But on the opposite side of the love is (again) my "ex" (I can't even really rationalize calling him that, but that's another story.)
Said "ex" just doesn't want to talk to me, and that's cool, and so when he did come my way tonight to sit next to a mutual friend, I say hello cause, well, I want no hard feelings. I noticed he's wearing the same shirt every time I see him, but apart from that, as my mind wandered throughout the service, I'm thinking about how everything in my life has changed over the last 1.5 years, and yet, here I am, in the church I grew up in, in the town I grew up in. But, on the flip side, I'm all over the place, attempting to become an RN, and my semblance of normal is so much different than it used to be, and half the time, I'm so focused on academia, that I've forgotten what the other side looks like. Nursing is literally almost all I think about. I'm constantly running through my mind signs and symptoms of this, or that, or thinking about diseases, like Goodpasture's.
To further drive my point home, I'm really bummed that I'm left out of the group of people I used to have all because I didn't want to keep seeing this dude. Isolation in church is a rough thing. I'd love to share some nursing stories, but my social circle grows smaller, and it largely consists of people in the same boat as me; almost everyone I know these days is involved in medicine. Medicine is all I know anymore; its become my safety net.
Remembering the good old days, wishing for stability, and grateful, so grateful for what God is doing. Cherishing life. There is life outside of medicine, I'm sure.
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