I have to admit something. My fundamentals of nursing class is really boring. I'm not the only one in my class who feels this way, either.
Our lectures are between two and three hours long, and it's all based on theory. I understand it's important to the nurse to know how to create a care plan for a patient, and to understand, holistically how to care for someone, but...
We have an exam for this class on Monday. This is one of those classes where you don't even know how to study for it. You get four answers, all four answers are technically correct, in an abstract sort of way. Choose the "most" correct answer. NCLEX preparation, here I come.
So far as school and the rest of my life is concerned, this was a very quiet week. I really only feel like I'm "doing" something when I am in the clinical setting. At least I can apply what I have learned, especially in our weekly skills lab to those at my clinical sites. That's when I feel most like a nursing student, like I'm progressing, like I'm doing something.
The head of the nursing program came to my clinical site on Wednesday, and asked me a question that I for the life of me couldn't figure out what she was asking. Seeing that she was getting annoyed, I asked her to rephrase the question (Hey, come on, it's 7:30 in the morning, I'm tired, and I'm not thinking about non-verbal cues you can obtain from people.) After I answered the question "correctly" I earned a high-five, but spent the rest of my day feeling like the idiot of the day, unworthy to even be in this nursing program.
I was serenaded by someone at my clinical setting, completely unprovoked. Something about how the right guy is coming for me, and I need to find someone that I can trust, and if I can't find someone to trust, then it would be better for me to be single for forever. But, said individual also told me it's okay if I like women. They said I could always find a nice woman to trust, and wouldn't that be a shame if that's all I could find to trust? I thanked the individual for their wisdom, and went on my merry way.
But it did get me thinking: Who do I trust? Apart from my family, I don't trust anyone. Awesome. Like I said in weeks prior, I really don't like the person I'm becoming. I still don't really have any friends in the area, and by default, I'm basically isolating myself. I did have a good conversation with a classmate on Monday, and it was refreshing to feel like I actually matter to someone; to have them seek me out for some advice. But still. I find myself regretting my decision to attend school in this place. If I had known it would be so freaking lonely, I probably wouldn't have done this to myself.
A classmate asked me to join Tinder, so that we could compare guys on there. And, she told me, it would be nice for me to go on a date, 'cause who doesn't like a free meal? Please. If guys are using a free site, where they're going by physical appearance alone, and all they have to do is swipe to the left or the right, (I don't know which, for a "match") then you sure aren't going to be my type. Call me crazy, but I'm looking for someone with a little more depth than that.
*End of rant*
I was asked out last week by a co-worker. I declined, based off of lack of physical attraction. You're probably reading this, thinking "this girl has some serious issues" and that's okay, because I do. But, at least I recognize it.
I had a dream, months ago, about "evil" (masked individuals) hanging outside my house, trying to get in to my home. Shortly thereafter, some unsavory events transpired in my life. As I've been feeling rather "off" this week, taunted by my personal demons and extreme loneliness, I dreamed last night again about "evil". This time, they were in the form of black, four-legged, demonic creatures. They had invaded my home, and were wandering outside, waiting to devour me. One attacked me, so I attacked it, beating the creature to a bloody pulp, but it was still alive, and I kept threatening to kill it, and the other watching creatures, if necessary.
What is going on.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Semester One, Week Five
Oh, this week.
The strangeness didn't begin until Wednesday. I received a new floor assignment for my clinicals (we rotate units every two weeks), and of course, the unit I was assigned to was with the guy who asked me to have sex with him years ago (if you're like whaaa? Read Here) Anyway, I had to co-mingle with him all dang day, and I don't know; there's something distinctly uncomfortable having that kind of history with someone, and no one else knows. I'm uncomfortable. He's got to be uncomfortable.
So, I get home from clinicals, and my roommate is home. She's never home; I almost never see her, because she works a lot. I walk in, greet her nicely, tell her I'm going upstairs to my room to study, and she follows me, sits on my bed, grabs her chest and tells me she knows, just knows that I am unhappy living with her. I try to assure her that I am happy living in her home. (Yes, I have to admit here, for the first time publically: She's a little....odd.)
But she won't believe me.
She says my smile isn't the same. I've lost my enthusiasm. She's upset that I'm sleeping when she gets home from work at 11 pm or later. (Hey lady, I have morning classes, and I'm not a night owl.)
And then she tells me she's annoyed that I don't go to her church Bible study. I went once; I didn't like it. I found another one that I like, and this annoys her.
She doesn't like how closed off I am. (I'm a private person!)
And. She doesn't want me using my own shampoo anymore. Only hers. ????
The next day, she continues. She went to bed mad at me the night prior because she accused me of not washing out her container in the sink, but "meticulously" washing and putting away my containers. She did not believe me that her container was not in the sink as the same time as mine. What. The. You-know-what.
My day had already been a crap sandwich, and I seriously had no defense left in me. So after my scolding for something I didn't do, I went and took a shower. Dear old roomie was waiting outside the bathroom to give me a hug. In my towel. Body parts almost fell out of my towel during that awkward hug. Big sigh. I don't know what to do. My life is weird.
I think the only good thing that transpired is that I got a 94% on my pharmacology exam that I really thought I had done poorly on. My straight A streak continues.
The strangeness didn't begin until Wednesday. I received a new floor assignment for my clinicals (we rotate units every two weeks), and of course, the unit I was assigned to was with the guy who asked me to have sex with him years ago (if you're like whaaa? Read Here) Anyway, I had to co-mingle with him all dang day, and I don't know; there's something distinctly uncomfortable having that kind of history with someone, and no one else knows. I'm uncomfortable. He's got to be uncomfortable.
So, I get home from clinicals, and my roommate is home. She's never home; I almost never see her, because she works a lot. I walk in, greet her nicely, tell her I'm going upstairs to my room to study, and she follows me, sits on my bed, grabs her chest and tells me she knows, just knows that I am unhappy living with her. I try to assure her that I am happy living in her home. (Yes, I have to admit here, for the first time publically: She's a little....odd.)
But she won't believe me.
She says my smile isn't the same. I've lost my enthusiasm. She's upset that I'm sleeping when she gets home from work at 11 pm or later. (Hey lady, I have morning classes, and I'm not a night owl.)
And then she tells me she's annoyed that I don't go to her church Bible study. I went once; I didn't like it. I found another one that I like, and this annoys her.
She doesn't like how closed off I am. (I'm a private person!)
And. She doesn't want me using my own shampoo anymore. Only hers. ????
The next day, she continues. She went to bed mad at me the night prior because she accused me of not washing out her container in the sink, but "meticulously" washing and putting away my containers. She did not believe me that her container was not in the sink as the same time as mine. What. The. You-know-what.
My day had already been a crap sandwich, and I seriously had no defense left in me. So after my scolding for something I didn't do, I went and took a shower. Dear old roomie was waiting outside the bathroom to give me a hug. In my towel. Body parts almost fell out of my towel during that awkward hug. Big sigh. I don't know what to do. My life is weird.
I think the only good thing that transpired is that I got a 94% on my pharmacology exam that I really thought I had done poorly on. My straight A streak continues.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Semester One, Week Four
The first four weeks are done.
I passed my other two exams with A's. I'm not an A student, nor have I ever been, so my high grades this past week really surprised me.
In clincals on Wednesday, I was obtaining vital signs. The pulse oximeter reading on my patient came back alarmingly low. Thankfully, due to prior training, I merely asked my patient to take a deep breath, and sure enough, her oxygen saturation levels returned to normal levels. At our post-conference meeting, I explained this to my instructor, merely confirming that what I had done was correct. She praised me for my nursing assessment skills, and thanked me for not running panicked out of the room, to grab extra help for a problem that wasn't really present. Me? Developing nursing assessment skills? I never thought of it that way; I was taken aback and pleasantly surprised.
I am finding myself alone far too much, and feeling terribly sad far too often. My studies can only distract me from the harsh reality of my life: I am single. My logic dictates no one wants me. I am doomed to a life of holing myself in my town-home and studying for the next two years, desperately trying to make the grade, not fail (anything below a 77% is failing) and slowly morphing into a person I no longer recognize.
I once considered myself a happy, go-lucky, optimistic individual. I've been doing an assessment on myself lately, and I see my old self being replaced with a more serious, down-to-earth, borderline depressed, withdrawn individual. These results are discomforting. I don't know what is happening to me.
I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday morning, and the very first thought was "I have sad eyes." If the eyes are the window to the soul, then the whole world can tell that I am a troubled soul. I work on covering it up, but Scripture says "Even in laughter the heart may ache." That's me these days. I think: What sort of Christian am I? Why can't I get it together?
This last year was immensely rough. If you're curious, here is a synopsis of the last year. I also simultaneously made an unwise dating decision, called it quits in late April and have generally felt like my heart will never be made whole again. I am so messed up. All this forward progress simply brings to mind heartache, so in reality, I am simultaneously progressing and regressing (what?)
I have no one to talk to. But please, reader, know that as hard of a time as I am experiencing, I am also loving school. I do not regret my decision to go into nursing, nor do I doubt the calling in which God has placed on my life.
The Lord has made it clear to me: To decrease so that He may increase. Stop taking the initiative, jumping the gun. He knows what He is doing, and I have been so guilty in the past of taking matters into my own hands, and generally doing a poor job. So, in the quietness, in the darkest night of my soul, I have found His grace, and I am so desperately holding on to Him. He is all that I have.
I passed my other two exams with A's. I'm not an A student, nor have I ever been, so my high grades this past week really surprised me.
In clincals on Wednesday, I was obtaining vital signs. The pulse oximeter reading on my patient came back alarmingly low. Thankfully, due to prior training, I merely asked my patient to take a deep breath, and sure enough, her oxygen saturation levels returned to normal levels. At our post-conference meeting, I explained this to my instructor, merely confirming that what I had done was correct. She praised me for my nursing assessment skills, and thanked me for not running panicked out of the room, to grab extra help for a problem that wasn't really present. Me? Developing nursing assessment skills? I never thought of it that way; I was taken aback and pleasantly surprised.
I am finding myself alone far too much, and feeling terribly sad far too often. My studies can only distract me from the harsh reality of my life: I am single. My logic dictates no one wants me. I am doomed to a life of holing myself in my town-home and studying for the next two years, desperately trying to make the grade, not fail (anything below a 77% is failing) and slowly morphing into a person I no longer recognize.
I once considered myself a happy, go-lucky, optimistic individual. I've been doing an assessment on myself lately, and I see my old self being replaced with a more serious, down-to-earth, borderline depressed, withdrawn individual. These results are discomforting. I don't know what is happening to me.
I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday morning, and the very first thought was "I have sad eyes." If the eyes are the window to the soul, then the whole world can tell that I am a troubled soul. I work on covering it up, but Scripture says "Even in laughter the heart may ache." That's me these days. I think: What sort of Christian am I? Why can't I get it together?
This last year was immensely rough. If you're curious, here is a synopsis of the last year. I also simultaneously made an unwise dating decision, called it quits in late April and have generally felt like my heart will never be made whole again. I am so messed up. All this forward progress simply brings to mind heartache, so in reality, I am simultaneously progressing and regressing (what?)
I have no one to talk to. But please, reader, know that as hard of a time as I am experiencing, I am also loving school. I do not regret my decision to go into nursing, nor do I doubt the calling in which God has placed on my life.
The Lord has made it clear to me: To decrease so that He may increase. Stop taking the initiative, jumping the gun. He knows what He is doing, and I have been so guilty in the past of taking matters into my own hands, and generally doing a poor job. So, in the quietness, in the darkest night of my soul, I have found His grace, and I am so desperately holding on to Him. He is all that I have.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Semester One, Week Three
I began clinicals this weeks. I'm not permitted to say online where I am doing my clinicals per school policy, nor am I able to comment on my patients (hey, HIPAA!), but, I do have two stories from my clinical day that are very much worth sharing, and very much allowed to be shared.
The first is the employee I was assigned to shadow during my 7.5 hour shift. The first thing I noticed about him was his a) purple scrubs (I adore purple) and b) his gigantic diamond ring on his ring finger. I mean, this diamond was so big, it rivaled the engagement rings that 98% of the girls in my nursing class have.
During an awkward downtime with this guy, and not being sure what to say, I commented on his ring. He told me, quite proudly, that he got engaged this past weekend, and while he shouldn't be wearing the ring to work, because it could get snagged on everything, he couldn't resist.
Alrighty then.
Second, is a story that goes way back. In 2010, right after I completed EMT school, and eager for some clinical experience, I volunteered at hospitals. One [married] employee asked me outright if I'd like to have sex with him. Naturally, I declined, went to HR, they made a big hullabaloo, and forbade this employee from speaking to me again during the rest of my internship.
Fine and dandy until the following year, when working on nursing school pre-requisites, he comes sauntering into my anatomy and physiology classroom. He immediately approached me to apologize and see if we could mend our past. I promptly told him if he ever tries to speak to me again, I will contact his wife and tell her what he asked me to do with him.
Long story short, I ran into him at the clinical site yesterday. He's at another nursing school and was completing his clinical rotations. Our eyes met, he smiled, I grimaced, it was awkward, the end.
Moving on.
Took my first pharmacology test today. I completed it in under 30 minutes (scary!) and was the first to turn in my exam (also scary; I've never done that before.) I found the exam to be really easy, which was really scary--I am not a good test taker by nature.
Results came in hours later. My phone/wifi connection decided to take eons to load, and with shaking hands (thanks, adrenaline) I finally discovered my score of 55%.
Just kidding.
I got a 96%
Praying this trend continues for my clinical calculations and fundamentals of nursing exams on Monday.
I can do this.
The first is the employee I was assigned to shadow during my 7.5 hour shift. The first thing I noticed about him was his a) purple scrubs (I adore purple) and b) his gigantic diamond ring on his ring finger. I mean, this diamond was so big, it rivaled the engagement rings that 98% of the girls in my nursing class have.
During an awkward downtime with this guy, and not being sure what to say, I commented on his ring. He told me, quite proudly, that he got engaged this past weekend, and while he shouldn't be wearing the ring to work, because it could get snagged on everything, he couldn't resist.
Alrighty then.
Second, is a story that goes way back. In 2010, right after I completed EMT school, and eager for some clinical experience, I volunteered at hospitals. One [married] employee asked me outright if I'd like to have sex with him. Naturally, I declined, went to HR, they made a big hullabaloo, and forbade this employee from speaking to me again during the rest of my internship.
Fine and dandy until the following year, when working on nursing school pre-requisites, he comes sauntering into my anatomy and physiology classroom. He immediately approached me to apologize and see if we could mend our past. I promptly told him if he ever tries to speak to me again, I will contact his wife and tell her what he asked me to do with him.
Long story short, I ran into him at the clinical site yesterday. He's at another nursing school and was completing his clinical rotations. Our eyes met, he smiled, I grimaced, it was awkward, the end.
Moving on.
Took my first pharmacology test today. I completed it in under 30 minutes (scary!) and was the first to turn in my exam (also scary; I've never done that before.) I found the exam to be really easy, which was really scary--I am not a good test taker by nature.
Results came in hours later. My phone/wifi connection decided to take eons to load, and with shaking hands (thanks, adrenaline) I finally discovered my score of 55%.
Just kidding.
I got a 96%
Praying this trend continues for my clinical calculations and fundamentals of nursing exams on Monday.
I can do this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)