Semester One, Week Four

The first four weeks are done.

I passed my other two exams with A's. I'm not an A student, nor have I ever been, so my high grades this past week really surprised me.

In clincals on Wednesday, I was obtaining vital signs. The pulse oximeter reading on my patient came back alarmingly low. Thankfully, due to prior training, I merely asked my patient to take a deep breath, and sure enough, her oxygen saturation levels returned to normal levels. At our post-conference meeting, I explained this to my instructor, merely confirming that what I had done was correct. She praised me for my nursing assessment skills, and thanked me for not running panicked out of the room, to grab extra help for a problem that wasn't really present. Me? Developing nursing assessment skills? I never thought of it that way; I was taken aback and pleasantly surprised.

I am finding myself alone far too much, and feeling terribly sad far too often. My studies can only distract me from the harsh reality of my life: I am single. My logic dictates no one wants me. I am doomed to a life of holing myself in my town-home and studying for the next two years, desperately trying to make the grade, not fail (anything below a 77% is failing) and slowly morphing into a person I no longer recognize.

I once considered myself a happy, go-lucky, optimistic individual. I've been doing an assessment on myself lately, and I see my old self being replaced with a more serious, down-to-earth, borderline depressed, withdrawn individual. These results are discomforting. I don't know what is happening to me.

I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday morning, and the very first thought was "I have sad eyes." If the eyes are the window to the soul, then the whole world can tell that I am a troubled soul. I work on covering it up, but Scripture says "Even in laughter the heart may ache." That's me these days. I think: What sort of Christian am I? Why can't I get it together?

This last year was immensely rough. If you're curious, here is a synopsis of the last year. I also simultaneously made an unwise dating decision, called it quits in late April and have generally felt like my heart will never be made whole again. I am so messed up. All this forward progress simply brings to mind heartache, so in reality, I am simultaneously progressing and regressing (what?)

I have no one to talk to. But please, reader, know that as hard of a time as I am experiencing, I am also loving school. I do not regret my decision to go into nursing, nor do I doubt the calling in which God has placed on my life.

The Lord has made it clear to me: To decrease so that He may increase. Stop taking the initiative, jumping the gun. He knows what He is doing, and I have been so guilty in the past of taking matters into my own hands, and generally doing a poor job. So, in the quietness, in the darkest night of my soul, I have found His grace, and I am so desperately holding on to Him. He is all that I have.