Semester One, Week Six

I have to admit something. My fundamentals of nursing class is really boring. I'm not the only one in my class who feels this way, either.

Our lectures are between two and three hours long, and it's all based on theory. I understand it's important to the nurse to know how to create a care plan for a patient, and to understand, holistically how to care for someone, but...

We have an exam for this class on Monday. This is one of those classes where you don't even know how to study for it. You get four answers, all four answers are technically correct, in an abstract sort of way. Choose the "most" correct answer. NCLEX preparation, here I come.

So far as school and the rest of my life is concerned, this was a very quiet week. I really only feel like I'm "doing" something when I am in the clinical setting. At least I can apply what I have learned, especially in our weekly skills lab to those at my clinical sites. That's when I feel most like a nursing student, like I'm progressing, like I'm doing something.

The head of the nursing program came to my clinical site on Wednesday, and asked me a question that I for the life of me couldn't figure out what she was asking. Seeing that she was getting annoyed, I asked her to rephrase the question (Hey, come on, it's 7:30 in the morning, I'm tired, and I'm not thinking about non-verbal cues you can obtain from people.) After I answered the question "correctly" I earned a high-five, but spent the rest of my day feeling like the idiot of the day, unworthy to even be in this nursing program.

I was serenaded by someone at my clinical setting, completely unprovoked. Something about how the right guy is coming for me, and I need to find someone that I can trust, and if I can't find someone to trust, then it would be better for me to be single for forever. But, said individual also told me it's okay if I like women. They said I could always find a nice woman to trust, and wouldn't that be a shame if that's all I could find to trust? I thanked the individual for their wisdom, and went on my merry way.

But it did get me thinking: Who do I trust? Apart from my family, I don't trust anyone. Awesome. Like I said in weeks prior, I really don't like the person I'm becoming. I still don't really have any friends in the area, and by default, I'm basically isolating myself. I did have a good conversation with a classmate on Monday, and it was refreshing to feel like I actually matter to someone; to have them seek me out for some advice. But still. I find myself regretting my decision to attend school in this place. If I had known it would be so freaking lonely, I probably wouldn't have done this to myself.

A classmate asked me to join Tinder, so that we could compare guys on there. And, she told me, it would be nice for me to go on a date, 'cause who doesn't like a free meal? Please. If guys are using a free site, where they're going by physical appearance alone, and all they have to do is swipe to the left or the right, (I don't know which, for a "match") then you sure aren't going to be my type. Call me crazy, but I'm looking for someone with a little more depth than that.

*End of rant*

I was asked out last week by a co-worker. I declined, based off of lack of physical attraction. You're probably reading this, thinking "this girl has some serious issues" and that's okay, because I do. But, at least I recognize it.

I had a dream, months ago, about "evil" (masked individuals) hanging outside my house, trying to get in to my home. Shortly thereafter, some unsavory events transpired in my life. As I've been feeling rather "off" this week, taunted by my personal demons and extreme loneliness, I dreamed last night again about "evil". This time, they were in the form of black, four-legged, demonic creatures. They had invaded my home, and were wandering outside, waiting to devour me. One attacked me, so I attacked it, beating the creature to a bloody pulp, but it was still alive, and I kept threatening to kill it, and the other watching creatures, if necessary.

What is going on.