Semester Three, Week Sixteen (Aka: Done)

Somehow, I made it.

Amidst all the fears, tears, heartache, and struggle, I've passed third semester, with an A in advanced concepts of medical-surgical nursing, to boot.

One semester left. I graduate in less than five months.

What have I learned this semester?

1. God is present.
2. Even when it seems impossible, I can persevere, and triumph. 
3. I can do more than I ever thought possible. 

Medically I've seen or done:

• PICC line insertion
• IV insertion
• IV push meds
• Care of paraplegia/tetraplegia
• End of life care
• Cancer care
• Juggling four patients (assessing priority of care)
• Cath lab (stent placement)
• End stage renal failure care
• Care of the patient with heart failure
• Psychiatric care

This semester wore me out. It brought many disappointments, but also many victories. I wish, so much, that my heart was still in tact. While I'm delighted to be done with this semester, a part of me is burdened by other factors in my life, that I've come to realize, can only hide under the surface, but will pop up, always. 

I guess I struggle with why this prayer for nursing school was so easily, quickly answered, why I had such clear direction and understanding of what God was asking of me, leading me to do, when all the other aspects of my life are not as clear, and at best, confusing. 

What if all I ever have is a nursing career? What if the years of my life to become a wife and mother never come? Will I be the old maid who contributes all that I have to my job, only to come home to no one? This. This is what is on my mind today, December 15th, as snow lays on the ground, storm overhead, at long last on break, but not at rest.

~
I waited a few hours before posting this, and I took some time to think about life. Okay, so I'm not exactly where I wanted to be at this late stage in the game, but I serve a good, good Father, and He knows what's best for me, even if I can't fathom that this is best. He is perfect in ALL of His ways. So, I'll continue resting in His grip, even when I can't see, and I don't know. 

We'll talk again in a month or so.

Semester Three, Week Fourteen

Last day of clinicals.

The anticipation was high. I made it. I didn't love it, and it was perhaps my most challenging clinical yet, but I learned I can safely handle four patients, I can do IV push meds (always forbidden before this semester) and my knowledge base really, truly has improved.

It's funny though; on one hand I feel like "I've got this, nursing isn't that bad." On the other I'm like "I am going to kill someone. I know nothing! How the heck did I get this far?!"

Thursday evening, the primary nurse assigned to my patients ("my", ha!) has never liked me. I don't know what I did to her at the start of my clinical rotation two months ago, but she's been against me since day one. Actually, I do remember; I had no computer access, our patient's blood pressure was outside normal perimeters, and I asked her, when she had a moment, if I could pass along some info. She blew me off, then begrudgingly had me tell her, to which she blew me off again. The following week, she apologized for being so rude, as she "never does that" and I received the apology gracefully (if I do say so myself), but from that point on, whenever she was working, she'd a) ignore me b) scowl at me or c) treat me like I was a moron.

Attention RN's: I am here to be a help. I am here to learn. I am not a dim-wit, competition, or going to disservice you in any way. In fact; I am here to help. I am here to lessen your work load. I am here to make sure that you get what needs to be done, done. So, I'd appreciate a little respect, and for you to not cut me off, glare at me, or treat me like I'm less than human. Because I notice it, feel it, and hate it. So, thanks.

Completed my last med-surg exam (not my final) this week, with a 96%. The neuro exam was ridiculously easy. So at this point, barring some unforeseen disaster, it does appear as if I will be completing my third semester of nursing school, you know, the one that was promised to be the worst of the worst?

I feel as if I'm dreaming, constantly. None of this seems like reality. My clinical instructor told me that she could see me working as an oncology nurse. There's a thought. I don't know. The last month has seemed mindless to me. I'm trapped in my grief, and I can't summon up the...anything to care.

Monday. We'll talk Monday (or later), after the big, bad final (that I haven't really studied for/can't find the gumption to study for.)

Semester Three, Week Fourteen

I'm always in such a state of disbelief as the semester creeps to an end. It never feels like real life. One moment, I'm launched into the beginning of a semester, all the fears and concerns at the forefront, the next; I'm preparing for finals, ending clinicals, submitting paperwork and getting ready for a month off.

I'm struggling.

This year has been difficult.

I found out yesterday my friend's cancer has returned. And we're not talking a minor recurrence; we're talking stage four cancer with distant metastasis.

It really feels like there is a dark cloud over me; a heavy weight that cannot, will not be lifted.

Nine days, and I'll be done with third semester. I've completed pharmacolgy; had standardized testing to measure my knowledge against other nursing student's across the states. Incentive: If you do well enough, you get to skip the final. I remember hearing about that possibility my first semester of nursing school, and thinking I'd never get the grades to pass. Sure enough, no problem.

I have completed the last of this semester's Med-Surg lectures, on neuro disorders. There's something about declaring brain death that makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and sad. Some of the tests to confirm said death are ancient sounding (reading the apnea test) while other's yet simply make me yearn for Heaven all the more. I'm tired of the pain, death, and suffering of this world.

One more week of clinicals. I really look forward to the end of that experience. I felt like a dunce during my clinical day yesterday, and just felt like I couldn't get it together. Though there was a moment when explaining what I heard on ausculation of a patient's lungs, that it felt real; here I was, so easily discussing rhonchi in the middle and lower lobes. Surreal.

We placed our fourth semester preceptor requests this week. I wrote "The reason I entered nursing was to eventuate in emergency medicine. It is my passion! I am willing to drive anywhere." I am hoping, praying for an ER preceptor spot. That alone would make my semester. If not (ever the Eeyore) I'm asking for anything but long-term care. *Shudder*

I'm just not feeling good enough for anything anymore. I can't snap out of the funk of losing my dog, and discovering my closest friend has cancer, again. The words of a friend stated a few weeks ago continue to echo in my mind "I keep you at arms length. You're a 'I'm in crisis' kind of friend."

Mix that in with the fact that I met a nice fellow over Thanksgiving break, got the commitment jitters and ran away faster than you can say peace. I'm a flight risk.

And so, nursing school. (I've been digressing a lot lately.) As of this writing, there are nine days, fifteen hours, and forty-two minutes left to this hellacious semester.