Semester Three, Week Fourteen

Last day of clinicals.

The anticipation was high. I made it. I didn't love it, and it was perhaps my most challenging clinical yet, but I learned I can safely handle four patients, I can do IV push meds (always forbidden before this semester) and my knowledge base really, truly has improved.

It's funny though; on one hand I feel like "I've got this, nursing isn't that bad." On the other I'm like "I am going to kill someone. I know nothing! How the heck did I get this far?!"

Thursday evening, the primary nurse assigned to my patients ("my", ha!) has never liked me. I don't know what I did to her at the start of my clinical rotation two months ago, but she's been against me since day one. Actually, I do remember; I had no computer access, our patient's blood pressure was outside normal perimeters, and I asked her, when she had a moment, if I could pass along some info. She blew me off, then begrudgingly had me tell her, to which she blew me off again. The following week, she apologized for being so rude, as she "never does that" and I received the apology gracefully (if I do say so myself), but from that point on, whenever she was working, she'd a) ignore me b) scowl at me or c) treat me like I was a moron.

Attention RN's: I am here to be a help. I am here to learn. I am not a dim-wit, competition, or going to disservice you in any way. In fact; I am here to help. I am here to lessen your work load. I am here to make sure that you get what needs to be done, done. So, I'd appreciate a little respect, and for you to not cut me off, glare at me, or treat me like I'm less than human. Because I notice it, feel it, and hate it. So, thanks.

Completed my last med-surg exam (not my final) this week, with a 96%. The neuro exam was ridiculously easy. So at this point, barring some unforeseen disaster, it does appear as if I will be completing my third semester of nursing school, you know, the one that was promised to be the worst of the worst?

I feel as if I'm dreaming, constantly. None of this seems like reality. My clinical instructor told me that she could see me working as an oncology nurse. There's a thought. I don't know. The last month has seemed mindless to me. I'm trapped in my grief, and I can't summon up the...anything to care.

Monday. We'll talk Monday (or later), after the big, bad final (that I haven't really studied for/can't find the gumption to study for.)