Semester Three, Week Fourteen

I'm always in such a state of disbelief as the semester creeps to an end. It never feels like real life. One moment, I'm launched into the beginning of a semester, all the fears and concerns at the forefront, the next; I'm preparing for finals, ending clinicals, submitting paperwork and getting ready for a month off.

I'm struggling.

This year has been difficult.

I found out yesterday my friend's cancer has returned. And we're not talking a minor recurrence; we're talking stage four cancer with distant metastasis.

It really feels like there is a dark cloud over me; a heavy weight that cannot, will not be lifted.

Nine days, and I'll be done with third semester. I've completed pharmacolgy; had standardized testing to measure my knowledge against other nursing student's across the states. Incentive: If you do well enough, you get to skip the final. I remember hearing about that possibility my first semester of nursing school, and thinking I'd never get the grades to pass. Sure enough, no problem.

I have completed the last of this semester's Med-Surg lectures, on neuro disorders. There's something about declaring brain death that makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and sad. Some of the tests to confirm said death are ancient sounding (reading the apnea test) while other's yet simply make me yearn for Heaven all the more. I'm tired of the pain, death, and suffering of this world.

One more week of clinicals. I really look forward to the end of that experience. I felt like a dunce during my clinical day yesterday, and just felt like I couldn't get it together. Though there was a moment when explaining what I heard on ausculation of a patient's lungs, that it felt real; here I was, so easily discussing rhonchi in the middle and lower lobes. Surreal.

We placed our fourth semester preceptor requests this week. I wrote "The reason I entered nursing was to eventuate in emergency medicine. It is my passion! I am willing to drive anywhere." I am hoping, praying for an ER preceptor spot. That alone would make my semester. If not (ever the Eeyore) I'm asking for anything but long-term care. *Shudder*

I'm just not feeling good enough for anything anymore. I can't snap out of the funk of losing my dog, and discovering my closest friend has cancer, again. The words of a friend stated a few weeks ago continue to echo in my mind "I keep you at arms length. You're a 'I'm in crisis' kind of friend."

Mix that in with the fact that I met a nice fellow over Thanksgiving break, got the commitment jitters and ran away faster than you can say peace. I'm a flight risk.

And so, nursing school. (I've been digressing a lot lately.) As of this writing, there are nine days, fifteen hours, and forty-two minutes left to this hellacious semester.