Semester Two, Week Twelve

"Do I need to write you a doctor's note for fear of success so you don't have to take your finals?"

This is what a doctor friend of mine asked me today, after I lamented about the trials of nursing school, and what if I fail, and what if, what if, what if.......

It's true, I realized. I cannot see myself as a success. When it comes down to it, I can't see myself as an RN. Or having a BSN. Or working in a nursing capacity.

So, hence the fear of success.

But, I've got three weeks left to the semester, then I'll take seven (!!!) credits this summer, work full-time, and start up second year in the fall.

Did I learn anything this week? Sure, I learned about all the various rashes/viruses that cause them in children (except for scarlet fever; that's a bacterial infection.)

I learned about hydrocephalus, both communicating and non-communicating, meningitis, ICP, and medical emergencies in the child. Did you know if a child is unconscious for any period of time, get them to a doctor ASAP, because it doesn't matter if they were out for 30 seconds or 30 minutes; they present differently with brain bleeds and hydrocephalus than adults.

In obstetrics, we covered post-partum hemorrhages. Sounds pretty dicey, if you ask me. In fact, all of child-birth sounds dicey to me. It's a wonder anyone is born alive.

I'm pretty annoyed with myself today. I had a patient pass out on me today, and I never thought to check her pulse. I merely gave her a sternal rub, tried to rouse her, and nothing. It wasn't until after the RN and doctor arrived that I realized how idiotic I was. You think you're advancing, and then....

:(

Semester Two, Week Eleven

During, and after my first OB/Peds exam on Monday, I was positive, positive that I had failed it. I was down in the dumps handing in my failing exam, but knowing that the knowledge wasn't going to magically re-enter my head at any time. I had no idea what it was called when the to-be-born baby settles into the pelvic inlet. I couldn't begin to tell you what the priority nursing diagnosis would be for a kid with RSV. I mean, there were so many things I didn't know, I couldn't even.

So, I waited, having the same pit-in-the-stomach fear that I had when I bombed my clinical calculations test last semester. I couldn't pay attention during lecture, and I was mentally preparing for what it would be like to repeat this semester in the fall. It was just so sad.

I get text message and email notifications when grades are posted (obsessive, I know, but after Med/Surg one, I couldn't take it anymore, checking to see if grades were up every ten seconds). So, there I was in lecture, and we were watching a YouTube video on epidurals, when I got the text "Your grade for OB/Pes Exam 1 has been updated...."

I never checked an exam score so fast. B. A high B. I freaking passed, much to my serious surprise. I don't even know how that was humanely possible. And yes, I keep my phone next to me during lecture. Not to peruse the internet, but to be apprised of serious situations, ie: my score being posted, and me being one step closer to not failing nursing school this round.

So, OB/Peds is just not for me, I've decided. Which is good, should I ever ponder if a career in maternal or child health is for me. It's definitely not. I am struggling in this class, because it is not keeping me engaged, and I find myself spacing out during lecture, frequently. Granted, I've got some personal issues going on, (but really, who doesn't...)

Part of my clinicals this week was assisting in hearing and vision screening, and it is was with some sadness that I realized: I'm old. I remember back in my teenage years, seeing adults such as myself and thinking that they were way up there age. Now, the teachers and aids are in my age group. I don't know; it just made me a bit sad that here I am in my upper twenties and I'm only in school to be a nurse. It made me feel ancient.

One part that really caught my eye was during my time in the health office. A child came in, with a history of diabetes and was clearly hypoglycemic. The health aid's hands were shaking so bad trying to obtain a blood glucose, that I stepped in, and took the blood sugar, which was alarmingly low. I remember that I used to shake quite badly when performing anything medical on patients, but for some reason with the start of nursing school, this has not (yet) happened to me. It's quite nice. Once more, I felt like I accomplished something today. A small intervention, but it's little glimpses of what I want my future to look like that make this seem worth it.

Four more weeks.
:)

Semester Two, Week Ten

Spring break was interesting.

I had my thyroid checked, and now I'm back to being hyperthyroid. Seriously, this thyroid gland of mine has not been under control since last summer.

Also, I mentioned to my doctor that I have intermittent mid-right quadrant abdominal pain. It wasn't that big of a deal to me, as I've been having it since October 2013. But, it was recommended to me that I have an ultrasound, which revealed a "2.8 cm lesion" on my spleen.

It was then recommended that I have a CAT scan. I did, and it revealed absolutely nothing. So, looks like I ingested poisonous oral contrast and IV contrast for naught. My doctor still wants me to see a GI specialist, though.

Sigh.

However, the highlight of my break was getting to see a c-section, a truly amazing, awe-inspiring experience.

It was back to the school grind this week, and I learned a few things, such as pelvis size impacts how easy (or not easy) it is for you to have children. Also, having cystic fibrosis makes it difficult for you to conceive. I learned how to read electronic fetal monitoring. Well, sort of. I can tell you about acceleration and decelerations, but my skill-set thus far is mighty limited.

No clinicals were scheduled for me this week, so I have had all day today to study. It's been great; I feel like I can get ahead. Except for calculating 24 hour fluid volumes and something to do with a physician ordering 1/4 fluids, etc. Why, why must this nonsense be so convoluted and complicated?! Argh.

Additionally, I have decided to take a 6 week online sociology course for my BSN. My gosh, if anyone had told me years ago that I should just do BSN instead of this concurrent program business, I would have listened. Well, maybe not. I used to be quite stubborn in terms of acadamia. Now I'm in concurrent program hell, freaking out about the loans I'll probably (definitely) have to take out, all for the hope that I don't up and fail nursing school.

It's not as bad as I make it sound. It's just work. Hard work.

Semester Two, Week Nine

Spring break comes early for me this week, and I could not be more delighted.

Of course, break isn't really break, as I have a plethora of projects to complete, and new topics to study.

I am not sure yet how I feel about Ob/Peds. We've covered the very basics; assessment of a newborn (babies are belly breathers; did ya know?!) assessment of the new mother, how to palpate the fundus of the uterus post birth (should be midline.) So far, it's okay, but not anything more.

There seems to be an awful lot of amount of work to do. Honestly, I've been given so many assignments and due dates this week, I am going to have to sit down and make (yet another) schedule.

And, it is true: Three members of my class did not make it through to this round. I think that's a total of six people we've lost along this insane nursing school journey.

I don't believe, necessarily that it's a question of intelligence. We got through our pre-requisites, right? And some of those classes, I didn't try my absolute hardest in, (like the time I stupidly decided to take A&P1  and Micro) and still passed. I don't understand.

I am tired. So inexplicably tired. My roommate commented last night that I have dark circles under my eyes and look either exhausted or sick.

Spring break shall have a TSH test in my future.

See ya in two weeks.

Semester Two, Week Eight

On my final evaluation for clinicals this week, my instructor wrote "don't forget where you started."

Thursday afternoon, I went back to where it all began.

I remember thinking years ago how all of this was impossible. When I completed my EMT program in 2009, it filled me with such pride, and yesterday, I ventured back to my old school, where my love of medicine was cultivated.

Where it all began

I ran into my former instructor who, astonishingly, led me into his classroom to introduce me to the current set of students working to obtain their goals. He told them I am proof that it does get better. My heart swelled with pride, as little ol' me was able, actually able, to give bits of wisdom.

Some days, I can't believe that I'm here. I'm in nursing school. I'm doing it. And I love it so much.

I also took a trip to the Starbucks I used to study at, meet my biology tutor at, dream of what it'd be like to be in nursing school at.

It was in this seat, that I dreamed. So, it seemed like an appropriate place to study for my Med/Surg final, which I am plum pleased to say that I passed.

Allow me to say it again:
I PASSED MED/SURG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a beautiful feeling.

I've heard that three of my cohorts did not pass; were not successful. I can only imagine their heartache tonight. I'll know for sure next week.

Ob/Peds began today, but it was just a lab.

The real coursework begins Monday, where another 7 weeks of fun await me.

Can I do it again? Seriously, can I?

Giving it 100% once more.

:D

Semester Two, Week Seven

My clinicals, while enjoyable haven't exactly been a challenge for me.

Until yesterday, when at long last, I gained the opportunity to place a foley cathether. Having only had the opportunity to practice this skill on mannequins, it was quite the pleasant surprise that the procedure was almost the same.

First catheter down.

I love the idea of becoming a nurse, more and more.

One more week of med-surg. Two exams next week, with the final (the final!!!!!!!!) being held on Friday. Then, the agony of waiting for scores to be posted. You pass, meaning you pass the class, it's the golden ticket to head to Ob/Peds lab. You fail, meaning you fail the course (76% or less), then, bye, better luck next time. I can't imagine having to repeat this course again.

Am I worried? Oh yes. I can imagine bombing the next two exams and dropping my grade down, so that I don't progress on. The devastation would be....devastating.

There's not much to write this week. I have a minor cold, my roommate is driving me nuts, I'm debating taking out loans to begin my BSN (and subsequently freaking out about said loans.) I'm broke, feel exhausted, and need a hug.

Hopefully by next Friday, I'll be here to tell you about Ob/Peds.

Semester Two, Week Six

I assisted a patient this week who was not assigned to me, but needed minor help. After everything was taken care of, I stood there talking to him. He had a fan blowing directly on my face, and some of my loose hairs were swirling around, movie-star style. (I was acutely aware of this.)

And yet, it took me by surprise when he asked me out.

For one, I'm not all that good when someone asks me out, and for two, I've never known how to respond to patient advances.

I flashed back to a scene in the Notebook (lame, I know) when the injured solider asks Allie out. She responds something like "Let's just focus on getting you better" so that is also how I responded. Then I high-tailed it out of the room.

This is medicine sometimes. Awkward moments and patients saying things they really shouldn't say. Handle it with dignity, okay? Head held high, smiles, confidence and never let them see you're about to lose your mind.

Nursing school is making me lose my mind though, I've decided.

Each week, after my exam, no matter how I feel when I turn in the exam (ie: awesome or OMG, I bombed this) I have to wait hours before the exam grades are posted. With each passing minute, my fears worsen (Oh no, what if this is it, what if I failed, what if, what if, what if........) and I can't focus on anything; my heart rate, anxiety, and general peace of mind go out of control. Maybe it is a control issue, but I have pandemonium every single week, which I've realized, isn't a good thing. You can't have that many catecholamines released into your body weekly without some serious repercussion. (Here's what catecholamines are)

I wish I didn't care, but with the class average for each exam going down, and everyone being what my classmate refers to as "frenemies", tension is high, people are cranky, and, we're all as a class slowly losing our minds.

Yesterday, we had class officer elections, and I "ran" for class secretary. I had two other opponents, and the one who wound up getting nominated was someone who joined our class a month ago. I guess that was an eye opening experience that my classmates really don't like me, as a whole.

But, and I am grateful to say, I have a handful of classmates who have become real, true friends, and I am okay with being friends with these girls who are not dramatic, who are kind, realistic, open and honest. I'm lucky with the few that I have to be able to count on them. One of them even invited me and some girls to Mexico for spring break.

Two more weeks of med-surg. Two. I hope to God I can pass the final two exams and make this class a part of distant memory. (Two bad I have to take continuing versions of this class in third and fourth semester....crap.)

Nursing school is kicking my butt, but I still wouldn't trade the experience.