Semester One, Week Nine

This sucks, I thought, as I lay on the x-ray table, getting 20 x-rays of varying joints in my body.

I may have rheumatoid arthritis. Or I may have crazy-lady syndrome. Yet to be decided. Long story short, I have had joint pain for the last five years that is increasing in severity, and some days, I feel like I am ancient. I ache more often than I don't. My knees lock up. I can't go up and down stairs without pain. Rising from a seated position is awful. Getting out of bed is miserable. Bending down to say, tie my shoe? Forget it. The pain to rise is miserable. Most recently, my elbows, shoulders, and hands ache. A little bit detrimental to a successful life.

So, if you see the 20-something year old nursing student grimacing as she kneels down to assess you, it's not in your imagination. I live almost daily in pain. It's awesome. It's been my own private struggle for years, being dismissed by health care providers for not having the typical joint redness and swelling that accommodates many types of arthritis. However, I recently had blood work that indicated (surprise, surprise) my body is literally attacking itself.

I went to the doctor today, and explained my symptoms. He was not really paying attention, till I asked him to assess my knee and the strange thing it does when I extend it.

And as he maneuvered my right knee, his face went like this:

Apparently, knees are not supposed to be doing what mine is doing, especially without injury. So, off the orders for blood work and x-rays went.

I told my doctor if I have RA that's going to seriously impact my nursing career. He told me "Or, it'll make you a better nurse."

~

Two exams this past week, two more A's. The pharmacology test was over adrenergic agnoists/antagonists and cholinergic agonists/antagonists. That's fancy talk for sympathetic and parasympathetic drugs. A difficult concept to navigate, but once you understand the basics of fight or flight verses rest and repose, the aforementioned topics are (almost) easy breezy.

Math was semi-complicated; just make sure you've got your conversions memorized. I ran into my math professor the day after the exam, and she congratulated me on my high score, and once more told me how I had touched her heart when I told her that her method of teaching changed my life. I merely told her, she has changed, literally made my semester. Without her teaching concepts, math would still be a foreign concept. I am eternally grateful to her and the impact she has made on my life.

I love nursing school. I do. I have never once felt so fulfilled in this career calling. I cherish this time. 

Semester One, Week Eight

Last weekend, one of the nurses I work with became frustrated with a patient, who asked simply, when they could be discharged. As the patient left to go back to their room, the nurse punched the wall, and informed me that I should not become a nurse because it's people "like this" that ruin everything. Instead, the nurse told me I should become a PA and live a happier life.

No.

I am a scholarship recipient, and as is such, I needed to check in with my professors and have them sign off on my mid-term grades.

I met with my math professor on Monday, and in her office, she told me I am earning a "Solid A" and told me how after I handed in my first exam how I had touched her heart when I explained that the method she taught for conversions seriously and truly changed my life.

I in turn told her my story; my struggle with mathematics in general, and how I thought for forever that I was simply too stupid to become a nurse. I told her that I can't believe I am doing this well in school.

She told me that when you find your niche, everything falls into place. She told me I've got to stop doubting, and start believing in myself. Which got me thinking: Why am I so confident that God brought me here, but yet so doubtful He'll bring me through? I'm a walking, talking oxymoron!

She also reminded me that nursing school is not a sprint, but a marathon, and when I lose sight of the goal, imagine the day when I walk across the stage for graduation, and a family member, friend or loved one is there on the other end to pin me, thus marking that I have completed this goal.

I nearly burst into tears.

Eight weeks in, we're getting into the good stuff at school. I've learned how to don sterile gloves and re-bandage a wound while maintaining a sterile field. Next week continues sterile procedures and placement of foley catheters. My skill level is slowly progressing, and it's magnificent. I love this; all of it.

Eight weeks done, seven more weeks to go in this semester.

The exams to come will be more difficult. Our next pharmacology exam is on the different medications that affect/work with the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. At this juncture, it makes almost no sense. Agonist, antagonist, antichlorogenic, alpha receptors, beta receptors....huh?

This is my mission this weekend. As well as study for my impending math exam. My biggest fear right now is that I'll drop the ball on one of these exams, forget everything and fail out of nursing school. See, there we are again. Oxymoron.

Where God guides, God provides. And He definitely guided me here.

Semester One, Week Seven

In lab skills on Tuesday, one of my classmates (and friend) suddenly felt ill. Her peripheral vision faded, a sudden headache came on, she became dizzy and nauseated. She sat down, I kept an eye on her, and the rest of the group and I finished learning how to do a physical assessment.

After lab, I sat next to said classmate. She was pale, and looked awful. I encouraged her to elevate her feet, and then shortly thereafter, she told me she was going to vomit, and vomit she did. Don't worry; I got her a gigantic garbage bin to hurl in.

Our lead instructor told her there was nothing she could do to help, for liabilities sake except activate EMS. I took her to a doctor, instead.

Long story short, it is reasons like this that I am in nursing. Acute onsets of anything fascinate me. Vomiting doesn't phase me. Getting to tend to, and take care of a person in need: That is why I am doing this. That is why I am studying hours a day, that is why I am waking up at the crack of dawn for clinicals, that is why I am doing everything I can to succeed.

We learned how to auscultate heart and breath sounds this week. This probably sounds dumb, but I have never felt cooler than to take my stethoscope, and listen to someone's heart and lungs. placing it in the "right" places. Previously, while I knew anatomically the structure and placement of the heart and lungs, listening to them is a new, wonderful experience.

We had evaluations with our clinical instructor this week. My instructor asked if there was anything she could do to help me, and I stupidly told her this semester isn't challenging me.

I'm sorry, what? It's like, all I do is open mouth and insert foot. Why in the world would I tell my clinical instructor, and not just that, she's also my pharmacology professor that the program isn't challenging me? Because I'm dumb. And when I get nervous, I say all sorts of idiotic things that are really best left in my head, and never, ever spoken.

So imagine yesterday when I sat down for my pharmacology exam, and the first question on the exam is confusing. I thought, "Not challenging, eh?"

However, before any exam, I pray. And it's not a "Dear God, help me pass this test, Amen." It's a prayer of gratitude, for an open mind, and for anxiety not to overwhelm me. See, I used to have insane test anxiety. There was nothing I would have liked better during every exam for the world to end, or if not that, for there to be a sudden emergency, thus resulting in the exam having to be rescheduled, or best case scenario, forgotten about.

Wonderfully though, when I checked my score yesterday, I received a 98%. All praise goes to God. Yes, I know that He didn't give me that A, but He has enabled my mind to become like a sponge, and I am fully comprehending the material, at this time. And it's awesome.

I'm not connecting terribly well with my classmates. In between classes yesterday, I took my seat, and there was a group of women in front of me talking. One was excitedly telling the group about what she was like when she was 11 years old. She relayed the story of the first time she said the "F" word, and then pretty much every other word out of her mouth for the remainder of the story was "F this, F that, F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F"

As I try to drown out her words, I hear other unsavory words spoken all around me. I'm sorry. I don't really curse. The worst you'll get out of me is "Pissed off." I'm not better because of that. My language choices is between me and God.

I just think sometimes, if my classmates would give me the time of day, they might like me. But I'm not in the married group, international student group, smoking group, or older woman group. Again, I have made a few connections with some of my classmates, but I just feel like something is missing.

Semester One, Week Six

I have to admit something. My fundamentals of nursing class is really boring. I'm not the only one in my class who feels this way, either.

Our lectures are between two and three hours long, and it's all based on theory. I understand it's important to the nurse to know how to create a care plan for a patient, and to understand, holistically how to care for someone, but...

We have an exam for this class on Monday. This is one of those classes where you don't even know how to study for it. You get four answers, all four answers are technically correct, in an abstract sort of way. Choose the "most" correct answer. NCLEX preparation, here I come.

So far as school and the rest of my life is concerned, this was a very quiet week. I really only feel like I'm "doing" something when I am in the clinical setting. At least I can apply what I have learned, especially in our weekly skills lab to those at my clinical sites. That's when I feel most like a nursing student, like I'm progressing, like I'm doing something.

The head of the nursing program came to my clinical site on Wednesday, and asked me a question that I for the life of me couldn't figure out what she was asking. Seeing that she was getting annoyed, I asked her to rephrase the question (Hey, come on, it's 7:30 in the morning, I'm tired, and I'm not thinking about non-verbal cues you can obtain from people.) After I answered the question "correctly" I earned a high-five, but spent the rest of my day feeling like the idiot of the day, unworthy to even be in this nursing program.

I was serenaded by someone at my clinical setting, completely unprovoked. Something about how the right guy is coming for me, and I need to find someone that I can trust, and if I can't find someone to trust, then it would be better for me to be single for forever. But, said individual also told me it's okay if I like women. They said I could always find a nice woman to trust, and wouldn't that be a shame if that's all I could find to trust? I thanked the individual for their wisdom, and went on my merry way.

But it did get me thinking: Who do I trust? Apart from my family, I don't trust anyone. Awesome. Like I said in weeks prior, I really don't like the person I'm becoming. I still don't really have any friends in the area, and by default, I'm basically isolating myself. I did have a good conversation with a classmate on Monday, and it was refreshing to feel like I actually matter to someone; to have them seek me out for some advice. But still. I find myself regretting my decision to attend school in this place. If I had known it would be so freaking lonely, I probably wouldn't have done this to myself.

A classmate asked me to join Tinder, so that we could compare guys on there. And, she told me, it would be nice for me to go on a date, 'cause who doesn't like a free meal? Please. If guys are using a free site, where they're going by physical appearance alone, and all they have to do is swipe to the left or the right, (I don't know which, for a "match") then you sure aren't going to be my type. Call me crazy, but I'm looking for someone with a little more depth than that.

*End of rant*

I was asked out last week by a co-worker. I declined, based off of lack of physical attraction. You're probably reading this, thinking "this girl has some serious issues" and that's okay, because I do. But, at least I recognize it.

I had a dream, months ago, about "evil" (masked individuals) hanging outside my house, trying to get in to my home. Shortly thereafter, some unsavory events transpired in my life. As I've been feeling rather "off" this week, taunted by my personal demons and extreme loneliness, I dreamed last night again about "evil". This time, they were in the form of black, four-legged, demonic creatures. They had invaded my home, and were wandering outside, waiting to devour me. One attacked me, so I attacked it, beating the creature to a bloody pulp, but it was still alive, and I kept threatening to kill it, and the other watching creatures, if necessary.

What is going on.

Semester One, Week Five

Oh, this week.

The strangeness didn't begin until Wednesday. I received a new floor assignment for my clinicals (we rotate units every two weeks), and of course, the unit I was assigned to was with the guy who asked me to have sex with him years ago (if you're like whaaa? Read Here) Anyway, I had to co-mingle with him all dang day, and I don't know; there's something distinctly uncomfortable having that kind of history with someone, and no one else knows. I'm uncomfortable. He's got to be uncomfortable.

So, I get home from clinicals, and my roommate is home. She's never home; I almost never see her, because she works a lot. I walk in, greet her nicely, tell her I'm going upstairs to my room to study, and she follows me, sits on my bed, grabs her chest and tells me she knows, just knows that I am unhappy living with her. I try to assure her that I am happy living in her home. (Yes, I have to admit here, for the first time publically: She's a little....odd.)

But she won't believe me.

She says my smile isn't the same. I've lost my enthusiasm. She's upset that I'm sleeping when she gets home from work at 11 pm or later. (Hey lady, I have morning classes, and I'm not a night owl.)

And then she tells me she's annoyed that I don't go to her church Bible study. I went once; I didn't like it. I found another one that I like, and this annoys her.

She doesn't like how closed off I am. (I'm a private person!)

And. She doesn't want me using my own shampoo anymore. Only hers. ????

The next day, she continues. She went to bed mad at me the night prior because she accused me of not washing out her container in the sink, but "meticulously" washing and putting away my containers. She did not believe me that her container was not in the sink as the same time as mine. What. The. You-know-what.

My day had already been a crap sandwich, and I seriously had no defense left in me. So after my scolding for something I didn't do, I went and took a shower. Dear old roomie was waiting outside the bathroom to give me a hug. In my towel. Body parts almost fell out of my towel during that awkward hug. Big sigh. I don't know what to do. My life is weird.

I think the only good thing that transpired is that I got a 94% on my pharmacology exam that I really thought I had done poorly on. My straight A streak continues.

Semester One, Week Four

The first four weeks are done.

I passed my other two exams with A's. I'm not an A student, nor have I ever been, so my high grades this past week really surprised me.

In clincals on Wednesday, I was obtaining vital signs. The pulse oximeter reading on my patient came back alarmingly low. Thankfully, due to prior training, I merely asked my patient to take a deep breath, and sure enough, her oxygen saturation levels returned to normal levels. At our post-conference meeting, I explained this to my instructor, merely confirming that what I had done was correct. She praised me for my nursing assessment skills, and thanked me for not running panicked out of the room, to grab extra help for a problem that wasn't really present. Me? Developing nursing assessment skills? I never thought of it that way; I was taken aback and pleasantly surprised.

I am finding myself alone far too much, and feeling terribly sad far too often. My studies can only distract me from the harsh reality of my life: I am single. My logic dictates no one wants me. I am doomed to a life of holing myself in my town-home and studying for the next two years, desperately trying to make the grade, not fail (anything below a 77% is failing) and slowly morphing into a person I no longer recognize.

I once considered myself a happy, go-lucky, optimistic individual. I've been doing an assessment on myself lately, and I see my old self being replaced with a more serious, down-to-earth, borderline depressed, withdrawn individual. These results are discomforting. I don't know what is happening to me.

I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday morning, and the very first thought was "I have sad eyes." If the eyes are the window to the soul, then the whole world can tell that I am a troubled soul. I work on covering it up, but Scripture says "Even in laughter the heart may ache." That's me these days. I think: What sort of Christian am I? Why can't I get it together?

This last year was immensely rough. If you're curious, here is a synopsis of the last year. I also simultaneously made an unwise dating decision, called it quits in late April and have generally felt like my heart will never be made whole again. I am so messed up. All this forward progress simply brings to mind heartache, so in reality, I am simultaneously progressing and regressing (what?)

I have no one to talk to. But please, reader, know that as hard of a time as I am experiencing, I am also loving school. I do not regret my decision to go into nursing, nor do I doubt the calling in which God has placed on my life.

The Lord has made it clear to me: To decrease so that He may increase. Stop taking the initiative, jumping the gun. He knows what He is doing, and I have been so guilty in the past of taking matters into my own hands, and generally doing a poor job. So, in the quietness, in the darkest night of my soul, I have found His grace, and I am so desperately holding on to Him. He is all that I have.

Semester One, Week Three

I began clinicals this weeks. I'm not permitted to say online where I am doing my clinicals per school policy, nor am I able to comment on my patients (hey, HIPAA!), but, I do have two stories from my clinical day that are very much worth sharing, and very much allowed to be shared.

The first is the employee I was assigned to shadow during my 7.5 hour shift. The first thing I noticed about him was his a) purple scrubs (I adore purple) and b) his gigantic diamond ring on his ring finger. I mean, this diamond was so big, it rivaled the engagement rings that 98% of the girls in my nursing class have.

During an awkward downtime with this guy, and not being sure what to say, I commented on his ring. He told me, quite proudly, that he got engaged this past weekend, and while he shouldn't be wearing the ring to work, because it could get snagged on everything, he couldn't resist.

Alrighty then.

Second, is a story that goes way back. In 2010, right after I completed EMT school, and eager for some clinical experience, I volunteered at hospitals. One [married] employee asked me outright if I'd like to have sex with him. Naturally, I declined, went to HR, they made a big hullabaloo, and forbade this employee from speaking to me again during the rest of my internship.

Fine and dandy until the following year, when working on nursing school pre-requisites, he comes sauntering into my anatomy and physiology classroom. He immediately approached me to apologize and see if we could mend our past. I promptly told him if he ever tries to speak to me again, I will contact his wife and tell her what he asked me to do with him.

Long story short, I ran into him at the clinical site yesterday. He's at another nursing school and was completing his clinical rotations. Our eyes met, he smiled, I grimaced, it was awkward, the end.

Moving on.

Took my first pharmacology test today. I completed it in under 30 minutes (scary!) and was the first to turn in my exam (also scary; I've never done that before.) I found the exam to be really easy, which was really scary--I am not a good test taker by nature.

Results came in hours later. My phone/wifi connection decided to take eons to load, and with shaking hands (thanks, adrenaline) I finally discovered my score of 55%.

Just kidding.

I got a 96%

Praying this trend continues for my clinical calculations and fundamentals of nursing exams on Monday.

I can do this.