Semester One, Week Sixteen (Aka: Sweet Relief)

When I finally decide to make this blog public, people are going to see how crazy I really am. This blog feels more like a diary than a public format kind of entry.

I've learned some things this semester:

1. I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world and I often don't even act like I am. I fail to see, every hour of every day how graciously the Lord has blessed me. True, I may not have everything I want, but I am where God wants me to be. The future is cloudy, but beside me is God. And that is all I need. He provides.
2. I have an amazing support system. 
3. I do okay being by myself. Transitionally, it was difficult, but I learned to make the best of my time.
4. I will always feel like the idiot in a room full of geniuses. I will likely never think of myself as a "smart" person, like I'm tricking the whole system, but that's okay. I'd rather doubt my intelligence than be cocky, thinking "I got this."
5. I'm not as dumb as I thought I was. :)
6. God is good, all the time. Even when I can't see/feel/hear Him. 
7. I don't need friends to survive, but it sure is nice to have someone around.
8. I love nursing school even more than I initially anticipated that I would.

I finished my first semester of nursing school with straight A's. The A's making all my manic hours worth it.

Some of my classmates reached the "I don't care what grade I get, so long as it's above 77%" mindset.

I dare not settle into that frame of mind.

As was the initial goal of mine when I began this journey, I don't want you to get me as your nurse and have to settle for the RN who stopped caring, and merely wanted a C in school. I want to be your nurse who pushed herself, for you, my patient, giving the absolute best care. I want be the nurse who gave nursing school 100%, not for a 4.0 GPA, but because your life and your health matters to me.

And above all, it gives glory to God to see how He can take a mediocre student who believed that nursing was God's calling in her life, stepped out in faith, and against all odds, triumphed.

I don't know if I'm going to pass, if I'm going to graduate, pass NCLEX and become an RN. I constantly feel like I'm going to fail, but I think that's what keeps me relying on God, and what keeps me going. I'll be darned if I don't give nursing school 100%

A few months ago, I attended a church, and the woman I sat next to asked me to share a bit of my story. I relayed the nursing school story, and she flipped open her Bible, sharing this verse:

"...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ."
Philippians 1:6



See you in January.

Onward!

Semester One, Week Fifteen

"You may begin your exam."

My heart pounding, I begin to look over my math final; the test that will make or break me, so far as being a nursing student is concerned.

One row down from me, I spot her: my classmate who ever so slyly pulls out a highlighted note card from the right pocket of her jacket. I watch her place it in her lap, and begin the conversion portion of the exam. 

Adrenaline shoots through me; I turn to my classmate in disbelief; she too looks stunned. I kick the seat of the girl sitting in front of me. Weeks prior, she had asked me to provide moral support as she told the nursing faculty of what she had witnessed during our last math exam: a student cheating with a well placed note card. They were bound: Unless they themselves witnessed the actual event, there was literally nothing they could do. 

My classmate whispers "Tell her!" And so, with fear and trepidation, I walk down to my professor and say "She's got a note card in her lap, right now." My professor says "Really?"

I head back to my seat, trying to work on conversions, my hands trembling, heart flying, mind racing. A moment passes; I watch my classmate keeping an eye on the professor. If she thinks she is danger, she slips the note card underneath the bottom portion of her jacket.

Minutes pass, then an hour. Absolutely nothing is done. My professor makes rounds about the classroom, but this student has the art of cheating down to a T.

Nursing faculty come in to the room, while my math professor leaves. Still yet, nothing happens.

My math professor returns; I arise to ask her a question regarding the exam; she asks exactly what I saw; I relay the pulling the note card out of her right pocket story.

Cheating student turns in her exam, and leaves, never caught. 

I hand in my exam; my professor, in hushed tones apologizes, and thanks me for my courage. But; she didn't witness the event, and so her hands are tied.

It is difficult to watch someone cheating, especially with a class that I have fought tooth and nail with to comprehend. To see someone whip out a note card to use at their leisure while the rest of us are having to use recall just seems incredibly unfair.

My classmates and I once more discussed the issue with the head of the nursing program, but each time we are met with the same answer: "We didn't witness it; there is nothing we can do."

"There is nothing we can do." ...I hate those words.

Strange this is, I used to admire this girl. She's bubbly and personable; she's got a good attitude and is enthusiastic. My respect for her has dimmed, and yet, I still treat her as if I am none the wiser.

When all is said and done, though; I know I did the morally and ethically correct thing. Plus, I actually earned my A in math for clinical calculations; a class I feared for years. 

This week also brought about the end of pharmacology. I was not well prepared for the exam, and found a million other things to do besides study. A few classmates and I studied together, though, and I am proud to say I earned an A in that class, too. 

First semester is coming to an end.

Monday, after I've taken my Fundamentals of Nursing final, and the grades are released, I'll bid adieu to semester one. 

Hallelujah.

Semester One, Week Fourteen

Thanksgiving break has finally arrived. I've flat run out of energy for the semester, but, I don't get to take a break from my studies, for when I return from break, I have my math final Monday (scream) and my pharmacology final Thursday (yelp).

This week was very non-eventful school wise. We learned how to give intramuscular and subcutaneous injections. True fact: The gluteus maximus is no longer the preferred site for deep muscle injections. Apparently, too many folks were inadvertently hitting the sciatic nerve (youch!) So now, we give these intramuscular injections....wait for it.....in between the anterior superior iliac spine and the iliac crest.

We had a fundamentals of nursing exam on Monday, that I thought went pretty well, but apparently this was a tough exam, and I received a B. Better, compared to some of my classmates who failed or got C's. Surprisingly, I only minded a little bit. I still have an overall A in the class, and I only have the final left. The final that's worth 200 points. I could still manage to pull off an A.

Last week, I wrote about the desire to have a real life conversation with someone. Well, it occured to me that it's okay to reach out to people and ask them to hang out. (I have this deep seeded fear of rejection, hence why I rarely ask anyone to do anything with me. Lame, I know.) Anyway, I reached out to a friend Monday night, and it turned out to be a really enjoyable evening. He treated me to dinner, which at this point is life saving, being that I have very little money, and then we watched football, and chatted. It was enough for this little nursing student to feel human again. I did the same thing with another friend Wednesday, and sure enough; it was uplifting.

My roommate came home early Wednesday evening and told me she thinks I spend too much time in my room, and she'll start calling me Rapunzel from now on. It's simply where I study best. Besides, I'm fatigued almost all the time, and my joint pain is slowly returning. I go where I'm comfortable.

Pretty boring entry for this week. Until next time.

Semester One, Week Thirteen

Last week was so hellacious, I didn't even get a chance to write until now.

Not really.

My comps, a demonstration of the skills I have learned this semester are officially "up there" as one of the most terrifying moments of my life. For one, I suffer from stage fright something awful. And when this happens, up goes the heart rate, breathing pattern, hands begin to shake, and my memory becomes cloudy.

So while I'm trying to demonstrate to my mannequin the skills I will be performing on her today, simple words evacuate my mind, and I'm left standing there, throwing any words out that I can remember from class. "S1 and S2 sounds ausculated! Clear, crisp! Lung sounds clear, no adventitious sounds, equal chest rise and fall, eupneic, capillary refill less than three seconds, equal bilaterally, brisk."

On and on it went; my hands shaking throughout, desperately trying to recall, and demonstrate that I am a worthy first semester student.

And, it went fairly well, until the foley catheter demonstration, where I forgot about this handy thing called sterile gloves. You need those babies in order to insert a catheter without introducing bacteria. I saw them, and removed them from my catheter kit, and got busy removing the betadine swabs from the kit, until my instructor made a dreaded buzzer sound (can't you hear it in your head?) and pointed out to me my fatal error. I mean, really? Catheter without sterile technique? Sarah!

She was gracious, and did not dock off every point I deserved.

In fact, she told me I did everything else almost perfectly, and she initially thought I just may be one of those 100% students (until the catheter incident of 2014.)

I passed, with an A.

The rest of the week included a pharmacology test (96%!) and a culture presentation (my group earned an A!)

I signed up for second semester. It's happening. One semester almost down.

I think my biggest struggle this semester has been having very limited people I can talk to. I crave conversation; and not just conversation about nursing school. Just a real-life, sit-down conversation. I haven't had one of those in a long time, and it'd be much appreciated. I'm alone so much of the time, and holding a one-sided conversation is plain boring. Maybe one day.

Semester One, Week Twelve

"Do you enjoy putting makeup on women?" I asked the mall kiosk man who somehow managed to grab me, start applying makeup and telling me how old I'll look if I don't buy his special makeup, utilizing an ultra magnified mirror.

He showed me the results. I saw none. What I did see is a tired looking woman, with really dry lips. Said salesman tried his best to persuade me to purchase his product, but the best answer is "I can't afford it, even if I wanted to. I'm a full-time student."

This led into what I'm studying, which led into how he's a firefighter (and you sell makeup on the side??) and then he asked, "Why nursing?"

Why not nursing? Why not this field that has so captivated my heart, left me heartbroken when I couldn't work in it, always dreaming of the day that I could change a life.

I completed my clinical requirements for first semester on Wednesday. I worry about the residents I leave behind, the ones I came to enjoy, and get to know personally. What will happen to them? One asked me to come and visit, and with every good intention I plan to, but I also know life. How it gets in the way, and the people and places that meant everything to us in the moment simply dissipate overtime, till it's like "Oh so-and-so? Yeah, I remember them..."

As an aside, I began a short dose of steroids this week due to my ever increasing joint pain. I didn't realize it until it began working how much pain I've actually been in. For one, I felt as if I had lost 10 pounds. I've forgotten how nice it is to walk, not feeling like you're sludging through water. Being able to stand, sit, go up and down stairs, move without pain, well, that's like a modern day miracle. The steroids were a last ditch effort, but once my doctor suggested it, I took it. And now I see why steroids were once hailed as a cure for arthritis (before all the horrible side effects were discovered, that is.)

Unfortunately, steroids lower your immunity, so that fantastic cold I had last week that stole my voice is still present. I think I have a sinus infection. Just call me the mucous maker. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to discuss what next, pain wise, and perhaps get some antibiotics for this infection of mine. Being sick makes you value your health all the more. Kids, don't take for granted how nice it is to live pain free, because once you're stuck in that world, all you can dwell on is the pain. I have spent (unconsciously) most of my time formulating ways to not have to bend down, move, go up or down stairs, coming up with plans on how to get back up. This week has been miraculous, if only to realize what life is like when you're not planning your next [agonizing] move.

I took a math test this week and did awful. I forgot everything I had learned. I couldn't round, couldn't calculate, nothing. So, my straight-A score has been erased, but I did meet with my math professor, and all hope is not lost. I can still pull off an A in the class if I do well on my final. I was devastated about my poor grade, but I did feel like crap during the exam, so that served as a distraction. Not that this is my excuse. My poor grade was due to the fact that a) I didn't round and b) didn't show my work. For some reason, I've gotten into the habit of scribbling down my numbers without showing how I did it, or writing down the units. For the final, I'll be better, I promise.

Next week is dubbed "hell week." We have comps; demonstrating a head to toe assessment (I keep dreaming that I totally mess this up), vitals, and either a foley catheter insertion or sterile dressing change. One-on-one time with a panel of my instructors, demonstrating my skills. This counts as a test score, and is a big deal, apparently.

I will write after I've gone through hell and back.

Semester One, Week Eleven

This is the second cold I've had in a month. I think I know where I got this cold from, though. A middle schooler; when I participated in a hearing and vision screening last week.

~Sigh~

I have laryngitis now, so I have no voice. Awesome.

This was a challenging week. It would seem that all the major nursing projects of the first semester are all due, or coming due in these last four (!!!) weeks of the semester. 

We had our two difficult exams this week. By the grace of God, I passed both of them with A's. At the start of every exam, I always find myself thinking "I can't do this; you seriously thought you could be a nurse? This is a career ending test right here, if I ever saw one..."

Love the negativity of my mind. Pharmacology wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. The key is found in reading your textbook (surprise) and thoroughly understanding the material. After that, things like glucocorticoids and mineralocorticoids come together. I now understand the hormones of the anterior and posterior pituitary gland, but if I wanted to sound extra smart, I'd say "I now understand the hormones of the adenohypophysis and neurohypophysis." Ha! 

I met with my math professor yesterday because suddenly, gravity and pump flow rates made no sense to me. I mean, I get that with gravity pumps it's gtt/min, and pumps are mL/hr, but seriously? Why do I need to calculate drops, and hours and the like? It made me a little crazy this week, so I scheduled some time to talk it through. It began to make sense, and my professor showed me a few tricks, but ¡Ay, caramba! why is this happening to me?

And then, she told me that she could see me going into teaching one day, and that she was surprised she was saying that to a first semester student, but she could see my potential. I've always thought, if there was a second career other than nursing, it would be teaching. So who knows, maybe one day, I'll be RN Sarah, who gets to come alongside nursing students and share a bit of my wisdom with them.

That would be a dream.

Semester One, Week Ten

"How much suctioning needs to go in to suction out a tracheostomy?" I asked my classmate, perplexed, because the only answer I could find was "To the point of resistance" and I was pretty confident there was a more definite answer out there.

Classmate replied "You worry too much. Stop it."

...

This got me thinking; how often do we think we know what's going on in someone's life, externally, but in reality, its the internal that matters.

"Man is like a mere breath; his days are like a passing shadow" -Psalm 144:4

My classmate doesn't know that I'm actually worried about my parents going to jail for a crime they didn't commit, or that I'm awaiting test results for my RA/other form of arthritis, which could be debilitating to my dream career in emergency medicine. I'm not worried about the length of tubing for tracheostomy suctioning. That was merely a pondering I had, at the moment.

Week ten is done.

Two and a half more weeks of clinicals.

So much to do, as the semester winds down (but its not really winding down, yet).

We switched pharmacology instructors, and I can't tell what's going on anymore. The content is messy, confusing, discombobulated. I pray I don't bomb the exam next week. Actually, I have two exams next week. And a paper coming up, and a massive project, and a group presentation.

But you know, I'm so in love with this field, that even the hum-drum, calamity of finishing on time, getting good grades pressure feels okay with me at the moment.

We'll deviate from the norm this week while I tell you a story. I had a dear, dear friend that I met a few years ago in first semester anatomy and physiology. In time, he became one of the best friends I ever had; he even tried setting me up with a good friend of his (failed attempt, but I lived.) Anyhow, through a series of miscommunication, he and I lost contact. We went our separate ways. And it hurt. I missed him.

The last few weeks, the Lord has been communicating to me the need to reconcile with him. This past Tuesday, I got the "It's time" from God, so I went to his house. I'll spare the details, but we reconnected, and he continually commented that my timing is amazing; he too is going through a very rough patch. All glory to God; He made it known it was time.

But the sad this is; I was too late. While the miscommunication was cleared up, our friendship is over; too much time has passed. Regret is a terrible thing.

Semester One, Week Nine

This sucks, I thought, as I lay on the x-ray table, getting 20 x-rays of varying joints in my body.

I may have rheumatoid arthritis. Or I may have crazy-lady syndrome. Yet to be decided. Long story short, I have had joint pain for the last five years that is increasing in severity, and some days, I feel like I am ancient. I ache more often than I don't. My knees lock up. I can't go up and down stairs without pain. Rising from a seated position is awful. Getting out of bed is miserable. Bending down to say, tie my shoe? Forget it. The pain to rise is miserable. Most recently, my elbows, shoulders, and hands ache. A little bit detrimental to a successful life.

So, if you see the 20-something year old nursing student grimacing as she kneels down to assess you, it's not in your imagination. I live almost daily in pain. It's awesome. It's been my own private struggle for years, being dismissed by health care providers for not having the typical joint redness and swelling that accommodates many types of arthritis. However, I recently had blood work that indicated (surprise, surprise) my body is literally attacking itself.

I went to the doctor today, and explained my symptoms. He was not really paying attention, till I asked him to assess my knee and the strange thing it does when I extend it.

And as he maneuvered my right knee, his face went like this:

Apparently, knees are not supposed to be doing what mine is doing, especially without injury. So, off the orders for blood work and x-rays went.

I told my doctor if I have RA that's going to seriously impact my nursing career. He told me "Or, it'll make you a better nurse."

~

Two exams this past week, two more A's. The pharmacology test was over adrenergic agnoists/antagonists and cholinergic agonists/antagonists. That's fancy talk for sympathetic and parasympathetic drugs. A difficult concept to navigate, but once you understand the basics of fight or flight verses rest and repose, the aforementioned topics are (almost) easy breezy.

Math was semi-complicated; just make sure you've got your conversions memorized. I ran into my math professor the day after the exam, and she congratulated me on my high score, and once more told me how I had touched her heart when I told her that her method of teaching changed my life. I merely told her, she has changed, literally made my semester. Without her teaching concepts, math would still be a foreign concept. I am eternally grateful to her and the impact she has made on my life.

I love nursing school. I do. I have never once felt so fulfilled in this career calling. I cherish this time. 

Semester One, Week Eight

Last weekend, one of the nurses I work with became frustrated with a patient, who asked simply, when they could be discharged. As the patient left to go back to their room, the nurse punched the wall, and informed me that I should not become a nurse because it's people "like this" that ruin everything. Instead, the nurse told me I should become a PA and live a happier life.

No.

I am a scholarship recipient, and as is such, I needed to check in with my professors and have them sign off on my mid-term grades.

I met with my math professor on Monday, and in her office, she told me I am earning a "Solid A" and told me how after I handed in my first exam how I had touched her heart when I explained that the method she taught for conversions seriously and truly changed my life.

I in turn told her my story; my struggle with mathematics in general, and how I thought for forever that I was simply too stupid to become a nurse. I told her that I can't believe I am doing this well in school.

She told me that when you find your niche, everything falls into place. She told me I've got to stop doubting, and start believing in myself. Which got me thinking: Why am I so confident that God brought me here, but yet so doubtful He'll bring me through? I'm a walking, talking oxymoron!

She also reminded me that nursing school is not a sprint, but a marathon, and when I lose sight of the goal, imagine the day when I walk across the stage for graduation, and a family member, friend or loved one is there on the other end to pin me, thus marking that I have completed this goal.

I nearly burst into tears.

Eight weeks in, we're getting into the good stuff at school. I've learned how to don sterile gloves and re-bandage a wound while maintaining a sterile field. Next week continues sterile procedures and placement of foley catheters. My skill level is slowly progressing, and it's magnificent. I love this; all of it.

Eight weeks done, seven more weeks to go in this semester.

The exams to come will be more difficult. Our next pharmacology exam is on the different medications that affect/work with the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. At this juncture, it makes almost no sense. Agonist, antagonist, antichlorogenic, alpha receptors, beta receptors....huh?

This is my mission this weekend. As well as study for my impending math exam. My biggest fear right now is that I'll drop the ball on one of these exams, forget everything and fail out of nursing school. See, there we are again. Oxymoron.

Where God guides, God provides. And He definitely guided me here.

Semester One, Week Seven

In lab skills on Tuesday, one of my classmates (and friend) suddenly felt ill. Her peripheral vision faded, a sudden headache came on, she became dizzy and nauseated. She sat down, I kept an eye on her, and the rest of the group and I finished learning how to do a physical assessment.

After lab, I sat next to said classmate. She was pale, and looked awful. I encouraged her to elevate her feet, and then shortly thereafter, she told me she was going to vomit, and vomit she did. Don't worry; I got her a gigantic garbage bin to hurl in.

Our lead instructor told her there was nothing she could do to help, for liabilities sake except activate EMS. I took her to a doctor, instead.

Long story short, it is reasons like this that I am in nursing. Acute onsets of anything fascinate me. Vomiting doesn't phase me. Getting to tend to, and take care of a person in need: That is why I am doing this. That is why I am studying hours a day, that is why I am waking up at the crack of dawn for clinicals, that is why I am doing everything I can to succeed.

We learned how to auscultate heart and breath sounds this week. This probably sounds dumb, but I have never felt cooler than to take my stethoscope, and listen to someone's heart and lungs. placing it in the "right" places. Previously, while I knew anatomically the structure and placement of the heart and lungs, listening to them is a new, wonderful experience.

We had evaluations with our clinical instructor this week. My instructor asked if there was anything she could do to help me, and I stupidly told her this semester isn't challenging me.

I'm sorry, what? It's like, all I do is open mouth and insert foot. Why in the world would I tell my clinical instructor, and not just that, she's also my pharmacology professor that the program isn't challenging me? Because I'm dumb. And when I get nervous, I say all sorts of idiotic things that are really best left in my head, and never, ever spoken.

So imagine yesterday when I sat down for my pharmacology exam, and the first question on the exam is confusing. I thought, "Not challenging, eh?"

However, before any exam, I pray. And it's not a "Dear God, help me pass this test, Amen." It's a prayer of gratitude, for an open mind, and for anxiety not to overwhelm me. See, I used to have insane test anxiety. There was nothing I would have liked better during every exam for the world to end, or if not that, for there to be a sudden emergency, thus resulting in the exam having to be rescheduled, or best case scenario, forgotten about.

Wonderfully though, when I checked my score yesterday, I received a 98%. All praise goes to God. Yes, I know that He didn't give me that A, but He has enabled my mind to become like a sponge, and I am fully comprehending the material, at this time. And it's awesome.

I'm not connecting terribly well with my classmates. In between classes yesterday, I took my seat, and there was a group of women in front of me talking. One was excitedly telling the group about what she was like when she was 11 years old. She relayed the story of the first time she said the "F" word, and then pretty much every other word out of her mouth for the remainder of the story was "F this, F that, F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F"

As I try to drown out her words, I hear other unsavory words spoken all around me. I'm sorry. I don't really curse. The worst you'll get out of me is "Pissed off." I'm not better because of that. My language choices is between me and God.

I just think sometimes, if my classmates would give me the time of day, they might like me. But I'm not in the married group, international student group, smoking group, or older woman group. Again, I have made a few connections with some of my classmates, but I just feel like something is missing.

Semester One, Week Six

I have to admit something. My fundamentals of nursing class is really boring. I'm not the only one in my class who feels this way, either.

Our lectures are between two and three hours long, and it's all based on theory. I understand it's important to the nurse to know how to create a care plan for a patient, and to understand, holistically how to care for someone, but...

We have an exam for this class on Monday. This is one of those classes where you don't even know how to study for it. You get four answers, all four answers are technically correct, in an abstract sort of way. Choose the "most" correct answer. NCLEX preparation, here I come.

So far as school and the rest of my life is concerned, this was a very quiet week. I really only feel like I'm "doing" something when I am in the clinical setting. At least I can apply what I have learned, especially in our weekly skills lab to those at my clinical sites. That's when I feel most like a nursing student, like I'm progressing, like I'm doing something.

The head of the nursing program came to my clinical site on Wednesday, and asked me a question that I for the life of me couldn't figure out what she was asking. Seeing that she was getting annoyed, I asked her to rephrase the question (Hey, come on, it's 7:30 in the morning, I'm tired, and I'm not thinking about non-verbal cues you can obtain from people.) After I answered the question "correctly" I earned a high-five, but spent the rest of my day feeling like the idiot of the day, unworthy to even be in this nursing program.

I was serenaded by someone at my clinical setting, completely unprovoked. Something about how the right guy is coming for me, and I need to find someone that I can trust, and if I can't find someone to trust, then it would be better for me to be single for forever. But, said individual also told me it's okay if I like women. They said I could always find a nice woman to trust, and wouldn't that be a shame if that's all I could find to trust? I thanked the individual for their wisdom, and went on my merry way.

But it did get me thinking: Who do I trust? Apart from my family, I don't trust anyone. Awesome. Like I said in weeks prior, I really don't like the person I'm becoming. I still don't really have any friends in the area, and by default, I'm basically isolating myself. I did have a good conversation with a classmate on Monday, and it was refreshing to feel like I actually matter to someone; to have them seek me out for some advice. But still. I find myself regretting my decision to attend school in this place. If I had known it would be so freaking lonely, I probably wouldn't have done this to myself.

A classmate asked me to join Tinder, so that we could compare guys on there. And, she told me, it would be nice for me to go on a date, 'cause who doesn't like a free meal? Please. If guys are using a free site, where they're going by physical appearance alone, and all they have to do is swipe to the left or the right, (I don't know which, for a "match") then you sure aren't going to be my type. Call me crazy, but I'm looking for someone with a little more depth than that.

*End of rant*

I was asked out last week by a co-worker. I declined, based off of lack of physical attraction. You're probably reading this, thinking "this girl has some serious issues" and that's okay, because I do. But, at least I recognize it.

I had a dream, months ago, about "evil" (masked individuals) hanging outside my house, trying to get in to my home. Shortly thereafter, some unsavory events transpired in my life. As I've been feeling rather "off" this week, taunted by my personal demons and extreme loneliness, I dreamed last night again about "evil". This time, they were in the form of black, four-legged, demonic creatures. They had invaded my home, and were wandering outside, waiting to devour me. One attacked me, so I attacked it, beating the creature to a bloody pulp, but it was still alive, and I kept threatening to kill it, and the other watching creatures, if necessary.

What is going on.

Semester One, Week Five

Oh, this week.

The strangeness didn't begin until Wednesday. I received a new floor assignment for my clinicals (we rotate units every two weeks), and of course, the unit I was assigned to was with the guy who asked me to have sex with him years ago (if you're like whaaa? Read Here) Anyway, I had to co-mingle with him all dang day, and I don't know; there's something distinctly uncomfortable having that kind of history with someone, and no one else knows. I'm uncomfortable. He's got to be uncomfortable.

So, I get home from clinicals, and my roommate is home. She's never home; I almost never see her, because she works a lot. I walk in, greet her nicely, tell her I'm going upstairs to my room to study, and she follows me, sits on my bed, grabs her chest and tells me she knows, just knows that I am unhappy living with her. I try to assure her that I am happy living in her home. (Yes, I have to admit here, for the first time publically: She's a little....odd.)

But she won't believe me.

She says my smile isn't the same. I've lost my enthusiasm. She's upset that I'm sleeping when she gets home from work at 11 pm or later. (Hey lady, I have morning classes, and I'm not a night owl.)

And then she tells me she's annoyed that I don't go to her church Bible study. I went once; I didn't like it. I found another one that I like, and this annoys her.

She doesn't like how closed off I am. (I'm a private person!)

And. She doesn't want me using my own shampoo anymore. Only hers. ????

The next day, she continues. She went to bed mad at me the night prior because she accused me of not washing out her container in the sink, but "meticulously" washing and putting away my containers. She did not believe me that her container was not in the sink as the same time as mine. What. The. You-know-what.

My day had already been a crap sandwich, and I seriously had no defense left in me. So after my scolding for something I didn't do, I went and took a shower. Dear old roomie was waiting outside the bathroom to give me a hug. In my towel. Body parts almost fell out of my towel during that awkward hug. Big sigh. I don't know what to do. My life is weird.

I think the only good thing that transpired is that I got a 94% on my pharmacology exam that I really thought I had done poorly on. My straight A streak continues.

Semester One, Week Four

The first four weeks are done.

I passed my other two exams with A's. I'm not an A student, nor have I ever been, so my high grades this past week really surprised me.

In clincals on Wednesday, I was obtaining vital signs. The pulse oximeter reading on my patient came back alarmingly low. Thankfully, due to prior training, I merely asked my patient to take a deep breath, and sure enough, her oxygen saturation levels returned to normal levels. At our post-conference meeting, I explained this to my instructor, merely confirming that what I had done was correct. She praised me for my nursing assessment skills, and thanked me for not running panicked out of the room, to grab extra help for a problem that wasn't really present. Me? Developing nursing assessment skills? I never thought of it that way; I was taken aback and pleasantly surprised.

I am finding myself alone far too much, and feeling terribly sad far too often. My studies can only distract me from the harsh reality of my life: I am single. My logic dictates no one wants me. I am doomed to a life of holing myself in my town-home and studying for the next two years, desperately trying to make the grade, not fail (anything below a 77% is failing) and slowly morphing into a person I no longer recognize.

I once considered myself a happy, go-lucky, optimistic individual. I've been doing an assessment on myself lately, and I see my old self being replaced with a more serious, down-to-earth, borderline depressed, withdrawn individual. These results are discomforting. I don't know what is happening to me.

I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday morning, and the very first thought was "I have sad eyes." If the eyes are the window to the soul, then the whole world can tell that I am a troubled soul. I work on covering it up, but Scripture says "Even in laughter the heart may ache." That's me these days. I think: What sort of Christian am I? Why can't I get it together?

This last year was immensely rough. If you're curious, here is a synopsis of the last year. I also simultaneously made an unwise dating decision, called it quits in late April and have generally felt like my heart will never be made whole again. I am so messed up. All this forward progress simply brings to mind heartache, so in reality, I am simultaneously progressing and regressing (what?)

I have no one to talk to. But please, reader, know that as hard of a time as I am experiencing, I am also loving school. I do not regret my decision to go into nursing, nor do I doubt the calling in which God has placed on my life.

The Lord has made it clear to me: To decrease so that He may increase. Stop taking the initiative, jumping the gun. He knows what He is doing, and I have been so guilty in the past of taking matters into my own hands, and generally doing a poor job. So, in the quietness, in the darkest night of my soul, I have found His grace, and I am so desperately holding on to Him. He is all that I have.

Semester One, Week Three

I began clinicals this weeks. I'm not permitted to say online where I am doing my clinicals per school policy, nor am I able to comment on my patients (hey, HIPAA!), but, I do have two stories from my clinical day that are very much worth sharing, and very much allowed to be shared.

The first is the employee I was assigned to shadow during my 7.5 hour shift. The first thing I noticed about him was his a) purple scrubs (I adore purple) and b) his gigantic diamond ring on his ring finger. I mean, this diamond was so big, it rivaled the engagement rings that 98% of the girls in my nursing class have.

During an awkward downtime with this guy, and not being sure what to say, I commented on his ring. He told me, quite proudly, that he got engaged this past weekend, and while he shouldn't be wearing the ring to work, because it could get snagged on everything, he couldn't resist.

Alrighty then.

Second, is a story that goes way back. In 2010, right after I completed EMT school, and eager for some clinical experience, I volunteered at hospitals. One [married] employee asked me outright if I'd like to have sex with him. Naturally, I declined, went to HR, they made a big hullabaloo, and forbade this employee from speaking to me again during the rest of my internship.

Fine and dandy until the following year, when working on nursing school pre-requisites, he comes sauntering into my anatomy and physiology classroom. He immediately approached me to apologize and see if we could mend our past. I promptly told him if he ever tries to speak to me again, I will contact his wife and tell her what he asked me to do with him.

Long story short, I ran into him at the clinical site yesterday. He's at another nursing school and was completing his clinical rotations. Our eyes met, he smiled, I grimaced, it was awkward, the end.

Moving on.

Took my first pharmacology test today. I completed it in under 30 minutes (scary!) and was the first to turn in my exam (also scary; I've never done that before.) I found the exam to be really easy, which was really scary--I am not a good test taker by nature.

Results came in hours later. My phone/wifi connection decided to take eons to load, and with shaking hands (thanks, adrenaline) I finally discovered my score of 55%.

Just kidding.

I got a 96%

Praying this trend continues for my clinical calculations and fundamentals of nursing exams on Monday.

I can do this.

Semester One, Week Two

Week two was definitely better, both emotionally and mentally.

I'm learning to build a strong foundation in medicine, and that goes back the very start: vitals. I am thankful to be proficient in taking vitals, but now I now I get to build upon that foundation, understanding the how and why I am taking such measurements.

For instance: In pulses, I am feeling for rate, rhythm and quality. In respirations, I am watching for rhythm, rate, depth, and effort. I have learned about the apical pulse, and where to locate the point of maximal impulse (fifth intercostal space; mid-clavicular line). It's amazing. Because I am determined to be an awesome nurse, and I will spend as many hours as humanely possible grasping these concepts. Again, it goes back to nursing being a calling in my life; when you get me as your RN one day, I want to not only be compassionate, but knowledgeable. I want to make a difference.

I passed my first quiz in clinical calculations; a relief. I am horrible at math, but things are starting to make sense. This is like a miracle. Back in my home-schooling days, my parents had to take me back in math by quite a few grades. Humiliating, but numbers have never made sense to me. Apart from the fact that I often see them wrong (thanks, dyscalculia!) even the most basic mathematical concepts have often made no sense. When I say "I'm bad at math" I mean, "I am barely proficient in math." Working on it. By the grace of God, I will pass this class.

Pharmacology is kicking my butt, but, at least I'm finally beginning to understand what happens when you take a medication, and why it works. I could talk forever about pharmaceutics, pharmacokinetics, and pharmacodynamics. (New words! New terms! My brain feels so alive!)

My MIA friend mentioned last week decided to contact me (go figure) and invited me to a Bible study. It was nice to be welcomed into a warm environment, and to not feel so dreadfully, desperately alone. I am learning to live in a city, where I even experienced my first drag-racing challenge. Thankfully, the driver of the car I was in did not accept the challenge. I am such a country girl at heart. City life is way different. Way, way, different.

Psychosis (Aka: Semester One, Week One)

I have waited two and a half years to begin nursing school. To me, nursing school is more than just a career; it is a calling from God.

I have completed my first week; only fourteen more to go before I've completed semester one out of four.

This last week has been difficult; I've left my hometown of 5,000 people and traded it in for a city of over 109,000.

I have left behind the familiar and traded it in for the unfamiliar. It seemed like a fantastic idea months ago, but my very first day here, I heard the words whispered from the enemy: 1) You've made a huge mistake. 2) You're going to fail.

Geeze.

I'm lonely. I know almost no one. I am anonymous. No one cares about my comings and goings, which is good...and bad. I have no one to talk to. I do have a few acquaintances in my nursing class, but it would feel at this moment that very few people care about me.

Key word: Feel.

I have a friend who lives about 10 minutes away from me, and I thought for sure he'd be like "Hey! You're new in the area, how's it going?" But he didn't. Thanks. Pretty sure if one of my friends moved to my town, I'd at least pretend like I care and check in with them. *cynical*

I study a lot. Read. Write. Talk to myself.

I took a drive Monday night, and the memory of an ex-boyfriend came to me, coupled with the fears and anxieties previously mentioned. So there I was, driving on the highway, crying. It was very unflattering, and I truly feel sad for anyone who drove by me and wondered what in the devil was wrong with the crying psycho on the highway.

Classes are good. We began pharmacology today, and it was fascinating. I cannot wait until I begin my clinical rotations, interact with patients, become what I have dreamed of becoming for years. God has provided everything that I have needed and prayed for, so I really can't comprehend this inner sadness.

I look at this time of extreme loneliness as an opportunity to spend more time with God. I talk to Him a lot as it is, but these days, my communication with Him is frequent. And He's answering my prayers.

I'm settling in okay. I've come to the point in my adjustment period where my new home is feeling comfortable. It'll just take time.

My old hurts, memories, struggles will ebb and flow. Here, I am a new person, not defined by who I was, what I did or didn't do, what rumors were started. I am Sarah, Nursing Student, completely devoid of pain and struggle (or so I pretend). I am happy, go-lucky, optimistic, kind, caring, and excited.

My desire is to continually point people to Christ. May I be used by Him during this journey.

" Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."